英语演讲笑话

有一天，我走在路上，在拥挤的大街上不小心被别人踩了脚，正纳闷儿是哪个不看路的 只见一抬头，一老外出现在我眼前接着他赶忙说了句：I‘m sorry. 我心里乐了，这个我知道，接着回了句：I’m sorry too.那老外问道：what are you sorry for? 我心想，four不是四吗，接着赶忙说了句：I'm sorry five.One day, i walked in a crowded street. suddently, i was stepped by a man. i wondered who, while i rised my head, a foreigner appeared in front of me.and he quickly apologized to me : i'm sorry.i understanded him, and then i said: i'm sorry too.he was surprised and asked: what are you sorry for?i think i know that number, so i reply him,: i'm sorry five.

笑话是以民间口头创作为主的一种文学形式,是现实生活中深受人们喜爱的文娱语体。本文是关于英语笑话演讲，希望对大家有帮助!

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. And, though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last three decades. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their car crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes, freshly pressed, in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now." The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out the window and saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. "What are the green fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day - any starting time you wish."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the cuisine laid out before them, from seafoodto steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages and a fountain of champagne. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the couple. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and lowcholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!" The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your fucking fat-free bran muffins. We could have been here twenty years ago you bitch!"

Taipei, Taiwan (AP) - Diners tempted to lick a plate after a delicious meal can now go a step further - eat the plate.

Chen Liang-erh, 50, an amateur inventor, announced Friday that he had perfected an edibleplate made from wheat grain, and that he planned to mass-produce it and other edible crockery including cups, bowls and food containers.

Chen spent six years developing the plate, which he said would retail at about 7 cents each.

Diners who don't want to eat the items - which taste like unsalted popcorn - can boil them for a nutritious meal for animals, he said.

Chen said this can help reduce pollution caused by discarded crockery. The only disadvantage, he said, is his crockery cannot be washed and reused.

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requestedcollateral.

"Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls Royce," the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone I learned that you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.

While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.

Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."

A man knocked on a door an a women answered and he asked if he could use her toilet. She said you have 3 chances, if you do 3 things wrong I`ll call the police. So he went to piss but on theflush chain there was a bra so he ripped it off. Then when he was walking down the stairs he saw her cat called Boobs on the step & he hates cats so he squezed it & then threw it up the stairs. He then went in the kitchen where the women was & the women said why did you throw my cat up the stairs? He said I don`t know. While she went to get it, on the table was a glass of milk which he then drank. When the women came back she said you had your 3 chances now I'm calling the Police. When the police came they asked her what the man had done. She said this man has ripped her bra off, squezed her Boobs and drank her milk.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.女人找了老公之前都在担忧未来。男人娶了老婆之前从来不为未来担忧。

There is a wanderful old Italian joke...about a poor man who goes to church everyday...and prays before the statue of a great saint,begging:"dear saint,please,please,please...let me win the lottery".Finally,the exasperated statue comes to life...and looks down at the begging man and says:"My dear son,please,please,plaese buy a ticket！"中文：意大利有一个和好笑的老笑话，说一个穷人每天都去教堂在一个胜任的雕像面前祈祷：“圣人啊，行行好 行行好，你就让我中彩票吧。”被激怒的圣人最终忍不住显灵向下看着祈祷的穷人说：“我亲爱的孩子，那你也该买张彩票吧！”希望可以帮到你！

克厄派：姥姥，你的脸真像水蜜桃。姥姥：哎哟，克厄派真会说话，那你说哪像啊？克厄派：都有很多长毛毛。..........