英语小品搞笑

有两个，第二个能够有点长。一：羊肉串和征税人（英文小品）Characters: Mr. Shi, Xiaofu, Dabao Mr. Shi: Tax is the major source of the fiscal revenue. There is an evident change about the relationship between the tax collector and taxpayer in the past 20 years. Now, the tax collector, Xiaofu, and the tax payer Dabao, a vendor selling Yangrouchuan will show you the very change. The first Act happened in 1980s. Act I (in Bazaar of Beijing, sanlihe, 1980s) Dabao: Yangrouchuan , yangrouchuan, eaten one ,want nine, eaten one, want nine. Hi, Take my yangrouchuan.(slipped, take it up, ) Xiaofu: Tax! Pay the tax! Dabao: (change faces) Taxi? Where is the taxi? Here’s no taxi. Xiaofu: Tax! T---A ---X! Dabao: What’s the tax? I just know taxi! Do you want me to call a taxi for you? Taxi----! Taxi----! Xiaofu: Enough! Are you the vendor? Dabao: No , No, No, no! I 'm just have a look. The vendor has gone to the toilet. Xiaofu: Not the vendor ? Impossible! you 've been here for 2 hours. Dabao: Really ? (Xiaofu: Yes, of course.) How do you know it? Xiaofu: The window of my office is open to here and I 've been looking at you for two hours. Dabao: It’s a big bug! Xiaofu: Oh. Don’t waste my time! Please pay the tax---- 10 Yuan! Dabao: 10 yuan?! My god. I had just earned 20 Yuan one day! 5 Yuan, ok? Xiaofu: Don't cheat me, you've sold more than 2 hundred ones. Dabao: 6yuan, my dear sisiter. 7Yuan, my lovely beauty. Dabao: Not for you ,not for me, let's split the difference. 8 yuan ,ok ? Xiaofu: (looking around) All right ,a deal. But no receipt. (Dabao payed 8 yuan and Xiaofu left) Dabao: What a smart woman! Bad luck! I’m bankrupt. I have to change my place. Hope I would not meet her any more! Let’s go! Act II Mr. Shi: The next scene happened in new century. China had been marching in the way of the market economy for twenty years more, in the new era of building the well-off society in an all-round way, how do the vendor regard tax as and how is the tax collected? The scene will tell you. Let’s enjoy it! (In the market; Dabao in white clothes ,a board with "NO SARS") Dabao:: Yangrouchuan, yangrouchuan. Eaten one, want nine. Eaten one, want nine. Xiaofu: Hi, Dabao: Hi. Two: What a familiar face. Two: It’s you! Dabao: 10 years past, you are a still a tax collector. Xiaofu: 10 years past, you still sell Yangrouchuan. How is your business? Dabao: Everything is OK! 10 years past, you are still beautiful lady in Sanlihe of Beijing. Xiaofu: 10 years past, you and your Yangrouchuan look more clean than 20 years before. Dabao: Thank you. No SARS, no dirtiness; Serve people, serve me. Xiaofu: Great! Have you…… Dabao: Married? I ‘m not married; I’m still single. Xiaofu: Have you claimed your tax this month? Dabao: What? Taxi? Oh, tax! Of course. I should pay the tax of 50 Yuan this month and I have claimed at the begin of this month. Xioafu: Your receipt, please. Dabao: (shows the receipt ) Here you are, I have paid my tax in the tax service center by computer. Xiaofu: Great! What a good taxpayer you are. Dabao: Thank you. It is my duty. I’m proud of myself to pay the tax for our country. Xiaofu: Yeah! The tax you paid is a share of our country’s economy, and you do a lot for Olympics of Beijing! Dabao: Let’s do it together! . It’s said that, Don't ask what your country can do for you but ask what you can do for your country. Just like me, sell Yangrouchuan, and pay the Tax for ten years more. Xiaofu: You 're the loveliest people in new century! Dabao: Thank you! And you 're the loveliest tax collector in new era! X: Excuse me, and I have to go now. Bye-bye. D: A moment, are you free tomorrow evening? Could I have a dinner with you? Xiaofu: Well, may I have the company of my husband? Dabao: No, no, no problem. 6 o’clock in the evening, Beichuanyuan, ok? Xiaofu: just a kidding. I have to go home now.(leaves) Dabao, See you tomorrow. Dabao: Hope to see you everyday. 二： People: small people living with HIV, Xiao Wu, Xiao ling, the teacher:classrooms: Xiao Ling sleep lying on the table. Xiaoai next to lost books,went out. Xiao Wu Jin, sat on the location of small people living with HIV.Xiaoai (come in): well, young man, is puzzling, isn't it funny, can't you see,that I have! Xiao Wu: be conscientious and meticulous, maoshimao, actually Iolder than you! Xiaoai: I early in the morning came, at first glance didn'tsee you? Xiao Wu: I saw last night. Xiaoai: last row is my patent! To it, Igot out of bed early every day, Rob broken head, blood of DC, this positioncannot be lost! Xiao Wu: the last row is my pride, treasured place here is very.As I drove from the (xiaoai:--keep trying? ) Advised the sooner you leave itat that! Xiao Ling woke up: noisy noisy noisy? Early morning so Holy quarrelin the classroom, a waste of life! Do you know you've made some errors? Ah?Xiaoai: Yes. Xiao Wu: we are not noisy. Xiao Ling: you mostunforgivable--woke me up! Xiaoai sitting in front of Ling. Xiaoai: last, alsois developing style. Dude, examination according to my point! Xiao Wu: Ah?Test today? Xiao Ling: not? My hands are numb! Xiaoai: Oh? Xiao Wu:sleeps, right? Ling: no! Little tired! Xiaoai: Hey, think I have a nightlight to toss wet rendering most of the night! Xiao Wu: uh, strenuouslearning? Xiao Ling: you hit the grass? Xiaoai: Yeah, I'm thinking aboutexamination policy! Xiao Wu, Xiao Ling get past: think of what? Small AIlaughing: tell you that this trick must have! Xiao Wu, Siu-ling: come on!Xiaoai: according to the book copy--(pick up) Xiao Ling: die! Xiao Wu: it's agood idea! I did not expect it? Xiao Ling: come on. You also known as silverbullets? Well, in order to ease the tense atmosphere, debut humorous puzzlesthat I gave you. Xiaoai, Xiao Wu secretarial 114 copyright all to ignore her.Xiao Ling: say, exam answers a few steps? Xiaoai, Xiao Wu get past: a fewsteps? Xiao Ling: a three-step! The first step: write their names. (Two nods)the second step: go over the topic! (Two nods) step three:--hand rolls!The little moxa: draw oh!Small five: who ah?Linda: I'll give you a problem; say, today's exam, who is not here?The little moxa: exam today who can not come? Xiaoling?Xiao Ling: I'm not in it!Elwin: have a look around, small five?Small five: here!The little moxa: ah! I know -- i!Wu: you are white! Come with no is not a result!Xiaoling: answer, the teacher! Hasn't come in yet!The teacher came in.Three people jump: is it? How to say not to come? Oh dear. (loud)Teacher: what? The toad came in?Three people laugh.Teacher: hard! This exam! A little occupation ethics are not! What is most important in this year? -- fraction! Points, your life! (GRIN) exam, our magic!The little moxa: copy copy, our unique skill!Teacher: quick roll! The exam will not come early, it all the time! Exam began half an hour! Where did you go?Hair volume.Teacher: the examination time for two hours! Not more than a hour forbid you! Want to answer please pick up the pen, do not want to answer please rest. Want to go to the toilet classmates -- please constraint yourself!G: I have a good teacher ratio,He is looking for the cat -- mouse when the escort unreasonable demands!Xiaoling! He is the legendary rapper, or mouth can mutter said not finished?Teacher: quiet! You are quiet than tree! Don't know how you made a serious mistake? Weight than the sea!Three people open the copy.Teacher: (a little) the students please don't copy!Xiao Wu, Xiao Ling: I didn't copy!The teacher walked into the little moxa: classmate, don't copy!The little moxa: how do you know? I put on the desk copy!Teacher: your table in front of the plate away, I saw!The little moxa: (looking) oh! Tough luck!The teacher confiscated the little moxa roll, Ai Gang want to stand up and walk.Teacher: sit down! No less than an hour out!The teacher walked to the next small Wu, small Wu roll of paper to table to copy.Teacher: Okay, don't pretend!Most despise you take these books of cheating, a are not technical content.Did you copy? Like this? Like this?Small five: low and then low!Teacher: (to confiscate the small roll) you will sit self-reflection, why take a Book cheat?Wu: don't want to take the book! Who let I didn't like her (Ling) as a good grass!The small Ling stared at wu.Teacher: that's right, next time remember to grass! I love this hard-working child.Teacher: a point! Hand in.> good roll.Teacher: good. Remember the afternoon to consider the high number of! (next)The little moxa: ah! Also in the afternoon high?Xiaoling: ah!! In the afternoon the high number of! (pick up grass) just what?Small five: high...... Number?! What is that tree?Three people: a study of how to play under the grass!The teacher came in (the teacher plays the one dress).The little moxa: LanguageThe teacher!Teacher: what, how do you write a composition! (rolls to the little moxa)G: what?Teacher: you read.The little moxa: "my teacher", my teacher has an oval face......Teacher: wait, (took out a big sign, write claw) is this your face melon? You write is my teacher has a paw face!Elwin: teacher, paws face and face, can't do it?Teacher: you read.The little moxa: my teacher looks really beautiful, really beautiful, really beautiful, really beautiful, really beautiful, really beautiful......Teacher: stop! You write so many really beautiful? It has come to the end!Elwin: teacher, writing is not a requirement of not less than 500 words?Teacher: you only Portrait beautiful?The little moxa: not required to write one's real feelings? This is all my emotions!Teacher: hum, tell you, you are only 496 words!The little moxa: oh! Then added: really beautiful ah!Teacher: you have a look your translations, touch the Huai died you how to translate?The little moxa: find old locust tree hanged herself!Teacher: why is the old tree? You see you explain words, explain the death, you should write to die!G: Oh, I wanted to write!Teacher: (face) you, you hang up again!The little moxa: give me a chance! I have repaired five times!Teacher: OK, I'll give you a chance. Heard of blister Ding cattle, do a job with skill and ease? You do a job with skill and ease to make a sentence, I will give you the!Elwin: -- -- -- fish swim blade?! Fish...... The fish, the fish swim in the water, the fish swims......Teacher: (laughing) congratulations, get --The little moxa: too?Teacher: (cold) rebuilt sixth times opportunity. (next)Xiao Ling, Xiao Wu: Oh, come on high grass.The teacher came in.Small five: Philosophy teacher!Teacher: Xiao wu!Small five!Teacher: you have a look of rolls of paper!My question is: that is the question, please answer.How do you answer?Small five: This is the answer, please give points...... No.?Teacher: you call this problem?Teacher: you -- well, the next,Questions: what is courage, why didn't you answer?Wu: my answer!Teacher: write five words!Small five: (reading) this is the courage! You 're right. And then I didn't answer the following question paper, I put it the courage to explain!Teacher: you -- you hanging!Small five: the teacher! Give me a chance! I hung up the fifteen!Teacher: let me ask you two questions. See you good luck......Small five: two -- too much!Teacher: Well, the first question to answer! Second questions you don't answer I will let you live, how much hair do you have?Small five: if I were a good.Teacher: ah!Small five: 123456789!Teacher: how do you know?Small five: the teacher, second questions I can't answer!Teacher: good! Very nice. Nicely done. Take (handed a piece of paper)Small five: This is --Teacher: restoration of single! (next)Xiaoling, Elwin: come on high --The teacher came in.Xiaoling: English teacher! (to run)Teacher: Xiao Ling, run what? Did not eat breakfast!Xiaoling: don't eat --Teacher: I saw your morning meal!Xiaoling: -- tomorrow's breakfast!Teacher: Xiao Ling, have a look the rolls of paper, you that reading comprehension is no one to! You is it right? Don't read directly see the problem?Xiaoling: not!Teacher: also dare excuses!Xiao Ling: I did not see even the subject, direct look at the answer selected!Teacher: and your composition! How familiar?Xiaoling: can't look familiar? Reading the first sentence of each paragraph the words together......Teacher: Xiao Ling, you should know! You this --Xiaoling: ah! The teacher, I have five, fifteen, no, fifty times! Don't hang up!Teacher: it's not that I don't give you...... This...... For example, you can translate the eveningdre is what mean?(to the audience) is the evening dress!Xiao Ling looking at g, wu.The little moxa: evening is the night, the most suitable for the big game!Small five: dre is mm total clamoring to buy clothes!Xiaoling: oh! Teacher, I know! It is nocturnal clothing!The teacher shook his head. (next)Xiaoling: No, I have to find a teacher to! The two of you study it slowly! (next)G: Well, the grass play may not be useful, I also go.Small five: how do? Hand in a blank examination paper?Elwin: of course not draw back, I went to one of the most difficult question now, then write in the volume of paper, themselves out your answer! (next)Small five: personality. (just wanna go)The teacher came in.Small five: the teacher in charge!Teacher: Xiao Wu, I talk to you.Small five: ah!Teacher: test last time this question asked: this response is what principle? What's your answer?Small five: -- physical principle.Teacher: so the answer?Small five: don't...... Is the chemical principle?Teacher: Xiao Wu! You're so it can do? Why don't love learning?Small five: -- don't like my major!Teacher: ring? You know that ring is stem what?Small five: sanitation workers.Teacher: environmental engineering!Wu: Oh? Then I graduated to do?Teacher. Environmental sanitation worker.Small five: heard that the sewage treatment.Teacher: (excited) who said that the sewage treatment? -- also air pollution!Small five: how to control the atmosphere?Teacher: I don't understand this! I teach water pollution treatment!Small five: or wastewater treatment.Teacher: your mother see your summer results?Small five: see. Secretarial copyright 114Teacher: really? You send?Small five: of course I send!Teacher: what your mother told you?Small five: my mom said to send what idle school transcript?Teacher. You go.Small five: can't go.Teacher: why?Wu: no curtain call!Four with the curtain call.（谢幕）

人物:白云,黑土,小燕（两人）白云上:"黑土走了吗?小燕上学走了吗?走了?都走了!剩下我白云,该我练练节目为了迎奥运参战!" heitu gone? Xiaoyan go to school? Gone? All gone! so let me practice the programe in order to welcome the Olympic! " (这里可以跳舞唱歌什么的先表演一下) 黑土上:"你这是干啥?" what are you doing here 白云:"排练节目呢,别在着捣乱?" i am busy now Do not make trouble 黑土:"小燕哪去了,英语老师让她去上课!" where is Xiaoyan, English teacher let her go to english class! 白云"她上哪儿我也不知道." i do not know where she is 黑土:"你能知道啥?成天不是写书就是跳舞"说完拿起手机拨:"小燕!小燕!我是你爹!我是你爷爷,爷爷!有事快回来---" what did you know?just dancing and writing all days Xiaoyan!Xiaoyan! i am your father!i am your grandfather,grandfatrher! Come home quickly 白云:"啥意思,你啥意思,连辈都整不明白.名副其实的老年痴呆!" what?what's your mean?you don't know who you are. totally a fool 小燕:"爷爷你找我?"(小燕气喘吁吁地上来) Grandpa,you call me? 白云:"小燕你上哪儿去了?" Where you went to 小燕:"在学校参加迎奥运文艺彩排!" i have practiced the program in order to welcome the Olympic in school 黑土:"你也练节目?" You are rehearsing too? 小燕:"爷爷,老师让我独唱呢!" Grandpa, the teacher let me do solo 白云:"你还能唱歌,你嗓子要是象你爷爷,唱一句该不会把外国人都吓昏了吧?" You can sing?if you like your grandfather's voice, foreigners will shocked when they heard about your voice 黑土:"象你奶奶好,象你奶奶人前一站你找对象都难." If you look like your grandmother, could not find boyfriends 小燕:"爷爷奶奶别说了."然后又问:"爷爷你叫我回来干啥?" Do not speak.why you call me back 黑土:"老师让你去上英语课." the teacher let you to English class 小燕:"爷爷,我去不了,今天下午老师让我练歌." grandpa, I could not go, this afternoon teacher let me practice the song 黑土:"练什么练,快去学英语,别耽误上课." Studies English quickly, do not delay the class 小燕:"爷爷今天不行,节目安排非常紧,抽不出时间." grandpa,is not good today, the program arranges to be tight, cannot extract the time 黑土:"请个假呗唱歌还能当饭吃?小燕听话,学好外语,一个女孩子家,将来当个英语教师什么的.吃个轻松饭,奥运会是国家和运动员的事,咱们参合啥?" Asks for leave to teacher .Studies the foreign language diligently, in the future will work as teacher of English anything. , the Olympic Games are national and athlete's matter 白云:"你说什么?开奥运没你事儿?难道你不是中国人?" What did you say? Holds the Olympic Games is not your business? Aren't you the Chinese ? 黑土:"是又怎么样?奥运会也不缺我黑土." so what?The Olympic Games do not lack me 小燕:"爷爷,别阻止我去唱歌好吗?" Grandfather, please don't prevent me to sing 黑土:"不是不让,是不想让你误了学英语." I dont want to let you delay study English 小燕:"误什么?参加奥运会演出还能锻炼自己,接触外国人还能加强口语,再说,奥运会对咱中国人多重要!" Attends the Olympic Games perform can also exercise itself, contacts the foreigner also to be able to strengthen the spoken language, and, the Olympic Games are much important to our Chinese! “ 黑土:"重要在哪啊?" what's the important 白云:"这奥运会咱盼了多少年,如今才圆了这个梦!你说重要在哪?" we had hoped the OlympicGames for many years, only , then has been round this dream today! 小燕:"奶奶说的对 grandmother is right 白云:"就是,咱们中国人站起来了,外国人也不敢小瞧我们了.过去洋人管我们叫东亚病夫,现在,特别是把刘翔一瞧,他们立刻都变成了刘翔的粉条." yes Chinese become strong.The foreigner did not dare to look down on us .In the past the foreigner called us as sicker in East Asian.Now, specially Liu Xiang,They turn Liu Xiang's starch noodles immediately 小燕:"是粉丝!" is fans... 白云:"我一听2008年在中国开奥运会就立刻写了一首歌" i write a song for 2008 Olympic Games 小燕:"什么歌?唱给我听听,好不好" a song?let me hear ok? 白云:"好,那就让我孙女听听" ok (这里再表演个歌) 小燕:"奶奶你唱的太棒了,词写的也好.奶奶声音就想歌唱家." grandmother, you sing so good, the Lyrics also well . grandmother's voice like the singer.” 黑土:"这歌听起来还有点水准." this song is not bad 白云:"其实,奶奶在年轻时唱的就够歌唱家水平,只是那时没文化,眼睛瞎,走错了门,进了作家." Actually, when i was young ,i also well, but I do not have the knowledge ,so i have become a writer 黑土:"还作家,家里坐吧!" a writer?just a joke...