英语笑话300字

第一则 ：没事偷着乐 职业赌徒 During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks." The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first." The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler," replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?" "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender. "Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said. The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said. So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender. "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man. With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop." The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle. The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!" The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!" 经济大萧条时期。有一天,有个男人走进一家酒吧,对调酒师说:“调酒师,我想为在座的所有客人每人买一杯酒。” 调酒师说:“当然可以,不过现在正处于经济萧条时期,我需要先看到你带有足够的现金才行。” 那人从口袋里掏出一大迭钞票放到吧台上。调酒师简直不敢相信自己的眼睛,就问:“你这些钱都是从哪儿弄来的?” “我是一个职业赌徒。”男士回答。 “这不可能。我的意思是,在赌场你赢的机会最多也就五五开,不是吗?” 调酒师说。 “那当然,不过我只打我必赢的赌。”男士说。 “比如呢?”调酒师问道。 “唔,例如,我可以和你赌50美元:我能够用自己的牙咬到自己的右眼睛。”他说。 调酒师想了一下,就说:“那就来吧!” 于是,那个人将他右边的假眼抠了出来,用嘴咬了一下。 调酒师说声“靠!我上当了!” ,就给了他50美元。 那陌生人又说道:“我会再给你一次机会的。我再和你赌50美元:我可以用我的牙咬到我的左眼。” 调酒师想了想说道:“哼!你又不是盲人,我的意思是说,我可是看着你走进这个酒吧的。这一把我和你赌定了!” 话刚出口,那家伙就从嘴里一把将假牙掰了下来,咬了左眼睛一下。 “靠!我又上当了!”调酒师几乎是抗议地叫出声来。 “这就是我赢了这么多钱的办法,小伙子!不过这次你也不用给我50元了,我只拿走一瓶威士忌就算了!”那人说道。 那个人拿了酒,就来到酒吧的后房,整个晚上的大部分时间都在和当地人打牌。 边喝边玩好几个小时之后,那个人又摇摇晃晃地来到吧台前,醉醺醺的样子,都快站不住了,他对调酒师说:“小伙子,我再给你最后一个机会。我和你赌500美元:我可以用一只脚站在这张吧台上撒尿,我能够把尿射到你身后酒架上的那个空瓶子里,而且保证不洒一滴到瓶子外边。” 调酒师再一次认真想了想:这家伙现在就是用两只脚都站不直,更别说用一条腿了……于是说:“好!那你就开始吧。” 只见那人爬到吧台上,来个金鸡独立,就开始撒尿。尿撒得到处都是:吧台上、调酒师身上和他自己身上,就是没有一滴尿到酒瓶里去。 小伙子简直开心死了,大笑着说:“老兄,这次你可欠我500块钱了。” 那家伙从吧台上爬了下来,说:“没问题。我刚和棋牌室里的每个人都赌了一千块钱,说我敢往你身上和吧台上撒尿,并且还能让你大笑!” -第二则：The father never let children maomao during dinner always talk. Once when having a meal, father saw maomao wanted to speak, then say to him: "kid, what you want to say?""Dad, flies delicious?" Maomao, ask."No!" Father said, "why do you ask such a thing?""You just have a dish, you to swallow it down."毛毛的父亲从不让孩子在吃饭时时说话。一次吃饭时，父亲见到毛毛很想说话的样子，便对他说：“孩子，你想说什么？”“爸爸，苍蝇好吃吗？”毛毛问。“不！”父亲说，“你干嘛问这个？”“刚才您碟子里有一只，您把它咽下去了。” 第三则：英语笑话（三） Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience. At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America." 它们是从美国直接带来的 一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久，到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台，银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票，看是否有假。 这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦，最后实在忍耐不住说：“相信我，先生，也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元，它们是从美国直接带来的。”

I 服了 You!

3 Dick was seven years old, and his sister, Catherine, was five. One day their mother took them to their aunt's house to play while she went to the big city to buy some new clothes. The children played for an hour, and then at half past four their aunt took Dick into the kitchen. She gave him a nice cake and a knife and said to him, "Now here's a knife, Dick. Cut this cake in half and give one of the pieces to your sister, but remember to do it like a gentleman." "Like a gentleman?" Dick asked. "How do gentlemen do it?" "They always give the bigger piece to the other person." answered his aunt at once. "Oh" said Dick. He thought about this for a few seconds. Then he took the cake to his sister and said to her,"Cut this cake in half, Catherine.". 迪克年龄七岁，他的妹妹凯瑟琳五岁。一天，妈妈把他们带到姨妈家去玩，自己就到大城市去买些新的衣服。 孩子们玩了个把小时，在四点半的时候，姨妈领着迪克走进了厨房。她交给迪克一块精美的蛋糕和一把刀子，并对他说：“喏，迪克，给你刀子，把这块蛋糕一切为二，给你妹妹一块。不过，你得记住要做得像一个绅士那样。” 迪克问：“像一个绅士？绅士怎样做呢？” 他姨妈马上回答说：“绅士总是把大的一块让给别人的。” 迪克说了一声“噢”。他对此想了一会，然后，他把蛋糕拿给妹妹，并对她说：“凯瑟琳，你来把这块蛋糕一切为二吧。” 4 Stan: I won 92 goldfish. Fred: Where are you going to keep them? Stan: In the bathroom 。 Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath? Stan: Blindfold them! 斯丹：我赢了 92 条金鱼。 弗雷德：你想在哪儿养它们？ 斯丹：浴室。 弗雷德：但是你想洗澡时怎么办？ 斯丹：蒙住它们的眼睛！ 5 George knocked on the door of his friend's house. When his friend's mother answered he asked, “can Albert come out to play? ” “ No,” said the mother, “it's too cold. ” “ Well, then, ” said George, “ can his football come out to play ? ” 乔冶敲着他朋友家的门。当朋友的妈妈来应门时，他问：“阿尔伯特可以出来玩吗？ ” “ 不行， ” 那位妈妈说， “ 天气太冷了。 ” “ 噢，那么， ” 乔冶， “ 他的足球可以出来玩吗？

幽默与笑话之一： 你拥有梅花一般的高贵，冰川一样的气质，与众不同的内涵，无人能及的冷酷， 所以我决定尊称您为：“梅川内酷”！ (没穿内裤） 幽默与笑话之二： 长颈鹿和猴子结婚了，一年后，长颈鹿提出离婚说： “他妈的，我是过够了这种低头哈腰的日子了。” 猴子说：“离就离，妈的亲个嘴还得上树！” 幽默与笑话之三： 你变了，变的那样陌生，再也不是记忆中那熟悉的你了！ 看着你陌生的面孔，我的心都碎了！ 你怎么就能从可爱的小蝌蚪变成了蟾蜍呢？ 幽默与笑话之四： 一小影院放映片子，广告云：一美女莫名晕倒，被七男子强行拖入森林中，等待美女的…… 遂影院满座，屏幕打出片名：白雪公主。(众人倒……) 次日，影院又打出广告：一如花美女和七个男人数载销魂实录（决非白雪公主） 众人买票入场，见片名：八仙过海。(遂全场昏厥……) 三日，众人又见广告：本院回报影迷，吐血奉献，七个可爱男孩和一对年轻夫妻的故事，情节曲折， 男子被杀，其妻落入七个青春期男孩手中…… 众人蜂拥而入，见片名：葫芦娃七兄弟。(众人吐血身亡.....) 幽默与笑话之五： 一男一女打电话： 男：“我们的关系还有救吗？” 女：“电话上的一个键。” 男：“是重拨键吗？” 女：“不是，是免提键。” 男的听完心碎了~ 幽默与笑话之六： 报纸上说抽烟对肺不好，所以我把烟戒了； 报纸上说喝酒对肝不好，所以我把酒戒了； 报纸上说交你这个朋友对心脏不好，所以…… 我把报馆给炸了！ 幽默与笑话之七： 当魔鬼在你窗前拍打着玻璃，蛤蟆正钻进你的被子， 毒蛇在头顶盘绕，蚯蚓在你脚趾穿梭， 蜈蚣已爬进你的鼻孔，..... 别怕！我正驾着蜗牛赶来救驾！ 幽默与笑话之八： 下雨了，精神病院里好多人拿着毛巾香皂在雨里洗澡，只有一个人独自在窗台看着， 院长高兴地问：“你怎么不去呢？” 那个神经病人说：“那群傻子笨的很，我等水热了再去！” 幽默与笑话之九： 孔子曰：打架用砖乎，照脸乎，不宜乱乎； 既然乎，岂可一人独乎？ 有朋一起乎，使劲乎，不宜乐乎，乎不着再乎，乎着往死里乎，乎死拉倒也！ 幽默与笑话之十： 三只小蝌蚪到饭店去吃饭，当服务员为隔壁桌端上一盘红烧牛蛙时， 三只小蝌蚪抱在一起，伤心地唱：“我不想，我不想，不想长大，长大后就会被别人吃掉

Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea? A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys. Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea? A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys. Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea? A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.

There was a man who had seven sons, but he had no daughter, greatly though he longed for one. At last his wife told him that they could again expect a child and, sure enough, when it was born it was a baby girl. There was great rejoicing, but the child was weak and puny, so weak that it had to be christened at once. The father told one of the boys to go quickly to the spring and fetch christening water; the other six ran along with him, and because each of them wanted to be the first to dip the jug into the well, it fell in and sank. So there they stood and didn't know what to do, and none of them dared go home. When they didn't come back their father got impatient and said:" I'll wager they've been playing some game again and forgotten all about it, the godless brats." He was afraid the little girl would have to die unbaptized, and in his rage he cried out:" I wish those boys would all turn into ravens." He'd scarcely spoken the words when he heard a whirring of wings in the air overhead, looked up and saw seven coal-black ravens flying away. 有个人，他有七个儿子，他很希望有个女儿，可是怎么盼也没有。好不容易，妻子又怀孕了。生下来一看，果然是个女孩。他们非常高兴。但是孩子太小，又非常虚弱，非得马上急救洗礼不可。父亲打发一个男孩立即到井台去打洗礼水，其余六个也跟着去了。在井台旁，他们都争着先打水，结果罐子掉进井里，沉了下去。他们不知道该怎么办才好，都真楞楞地站在那儿，谁也不敢回家了。父亲在家里等得不耐烦了，就说：“我敢说这些无法无天的孩子一定是贪玩，把打水的事给忘了。”他担心女孩子不经洗礼会死，就生气地大声喊起来：“淘气鬼，都变成乌鸦才好呢！”这话刚出口，就听到头顶有“吧哒吧哒”鸟儿拍打翅膀的声音。他抬头一看，只见空中有七只漆黑漆黑的乌鸦飞过去了。 The parents were unable now to take back the curse, and yet, grief-stricken as they were at the loss of their seven sons, they look some comfort from their beloved little daughter, who soon got well and strong and became more beautiful with every day that passed. For a long time the little girl didn't even know that she had had brothers, for her parents took care not to mention them, but one day by chance she heard some people talking about her. "The girl's beautiful, of course," they were saying, "but she's to blame really for her seven brothers' misfortune." This made her very sad, and she went to her father and mother and asked whether it was true then that she had had brothers and what had become of them. So now it was no longer possible for her parents to conceal from her what had happened, though they told her that it had been God's will and that her birth had only been the innocent occasion for it. But day after day she was conscience-stricken about it, and felt that it was her duty to free her brothers from the spell again. The thought gave her no peace, so in the end she left home secretly and went off into the wide world to try and trace her brothers wherever they might be, and rescue them at whatever cost. She took nothing with her but a ring belonging to her parents to remember them by, a loaf of bread for when she was hungry, a jug of water for when she was thirsty, and a little chair for when she was tired. 这咒语再也不能收回了，父母失去了七个儿子，心里非常悲伤，可是有了个可爱的女儿，看到她很快地结实起来，长得一天比一天漂亮，他们心里多少还得到一些安慰。女孩子一点也不知道哥哥们的事，父母也倍加小心，不提此事。可是，有一天她偶然听到人们议论说：“那女孩子，别看长得漂亮，她七个哥哥就是因为她才倒霉的。”女孩子非常难过，就去问父母：“我有哥哥吗？要是有，他们都到哪里去了？”这样，父母再也瞒不住了，只好说：“那是老天爷的安排啊！你恰巧生在那个时候。这可不是你的罪过！”尽管如此，女孩子每天仍感到痛苦。她想，她应该设法救哥哥们，使他们摆脱咒语。她再也不能平静了，于是，她悄悄地从家里溜出来，下决心不管遇到什么困难，不管到哪里，也得找到他们。她从家里只带了一只小戒指，是父母给她作纪念的；一块面包，是肚子饿的时候吃的；一壶水，是渴的时候喝的；还有一只小凳子，是疲乏的时候坐着用的。 She went on and on, further and further, till she reached the end of the world. There she came to the sun, but it was too hot and terrible and it devoured little children. Quickly she ran away and went to the moon, but it was too cold and it was grisly and evil, and when it noticed the child it sail:” I smell human flesh.” So she hurried off as fast as she could and came to the stars, and they were friendly and kind to her, and each of them was sitting on its own little chair. But the morning star got up and gave her a little chicken's leg and said:” If you don't have this chicken's leg, you won't be able to unlock the glass mountain, and inside the glass mountain is where your brothers are.” 小女孩上路了，她走啊走，走得远远直到天边。她走到太阳这里来。太阳非常热，又太可怕了，它要把小孩子大口大口地吃掉。她急忙跑开，又来到月亮这儿。可是，月亮太冷了，还特别残忍，心肠歹毒，一发觉孩子来了就说：“有人肉味了！”于是小女孩飞快地逃跑了。她来到星星这里。星星友好亲切，一个个都坐在各自的椅子上。一颗启明星站起来，给她一个小鸡腿说：“你的七个哥哥，都住在玻璃山上。你要是没有这只小鸡腿，就打不开那玻璃山的大门。” The girl took the leg, wrapped it up well in a piece of cloth, and set off again and went on and on until she came to the glass mountain. The gate was locked, and she tried to take out the chicken's leg; but when she unwrapped the cloth it was empty, and she had lost the gift of the kindly stars. What was she to do now? she wanted to rescue her brothers, but she had no key to the glass mountain. The good little sister took a knife, chopped off one of her little fingers, stuck it in the lock and successfully opened the gate. When she got inside, a little dwarf came to meet her, saying:” My child, what are you looking for?” “I'm looking for my brothers, the seven ravens,” she answered. The dwarf said:” My masters the ravens are not at home, but if you would like to wait here till they get back, then come in.” Then the dwarf brought in the ravens' supper on seven little plates and in seven little cups, and the little sister ate a morsel from each plate and drank a sip from each cup; but into the last cup she dropped the ring she had brought with her. 小女孩接过鸡腿，小心翼翼地包在小布片里，又往前走。走啊走，好不容易走到了玻璃上。山门紧琐着。她想拿出小鸡腿来，可是，打开小布包一看，空空的。她把好心的星星的礼物弄丢了。怎么办才好呢？她想救出哥哥们，可是没有玻璃山的钥匙了。好心的小妹妹，拿出小刀，割下一个手指头，插进门里去，门一下子就打开了。她走进去，有一个小矮人儿过来问：“我的孩子，你找谁？”“我找我的哥哥--变成七只乌鸦的哥哥们，”小女孩回答说。“我的主人--乌鸦都不在家，你要是等他们回家，就请进来吧！”小矮人儿或。然后，他端近来七个小盘子和七个小酒杯，里面装着七只乌鸦吃的东西。小妹妹把每一个小盘子里的东西都吃一点儿，把每一个酒杯里的酒都喝一口。最后，她在最后边的小酒杯里放进了她带来的小戒指。 Suddenly she heard a whirring and fluttering noise in the air, and the dwarf said:” Here come my lords the ravens flying home.” And they came, asked for food and drink and looked for their plates and cups. Then one after another of them said:” Who's been eating from my plate? Who's been drinking out of my cup? This must have been a human mouth.” And when the seventh of them had got to the bottom of his cup, the ring rolled out towards him. Then he looked at it and recognized it as a ring belonging to his father and mother, and said:” My God grant that our little sister is here; if she were, we should be freed from the spell.” The girl was standing listening behind the door, and when she heard him speak this wish she stepped out, and as she did so the ravens recovered their human shape. And they hugged and kissed each other and went happily home. 突然，她听到鸟儿拍打翅膀的沙沙响。小矮人儿说：“我的主人们飞回来了！”乌鸦飞来了，找到了他们的小盘子和小酒杯，又要吃的，又要喝的。乌鸦一个接一个地说：“谁吃了我盘子里的东西了？谁喝我小酒杯里的酒了？”“这一定是人嘴吃的！”第七只乌鸦喝酒喝到杯底的时候，小戒指滚到他嘴边来。一看见这只戒指，他明白了：这是爸爸和妈妈的戒指啊。他说：“上帝保佑我们，如果我们的小妹妹来了，我们可就得救了！”小妹妹站在门后，听到他的祝愿就走了出来。于是，七只乌鸦都恢复了人形，他们高兴地互相拥抱亲吻，然后回家去了。