小琪1128
Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning? Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go slow". 老师:为什么你每天早晨都迟到? 汤姆:每当我经过学校的拐角处,僦看见一个牌子仩写着"学校----慢行".The mean man's party The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot." "Why use my elbow and foot?" "Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?吝啬鬼请客 一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，找中间那个门，然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后，再用你的脚把门推开。” “为什么要用我的肘和脚呢？” “你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪，你总不会空着手来吧？”吝啬鬼回答。 I think that I'm a chicken Psychiatrist: What's your problem? Patient: I think I'm a chicken. Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on? Patient: Ever since I was an egg! 精神病医师：你哪里不舒服？ 病人：我认为我是一只鸡。 精神病医师：这种情况从什么时候开始的？ 病人：从我还是一只蛋的时候开始。 Who Is the Laziest? Father: Well, Tom, I asked to your teacher today, and now I want to ask you a question. Who is the laziest person in your class? Tom: I don't know, father. Father: Oh, yes, you do! Think! When other boys and girls are doing and writing, who sits in the class and only watches how other people work? Tom: Our teacher, father. 中文： 父亲：哎，汤姆，今天我跟你们老师谈过，现在我想问你个问题。你们班上谁最懒？ 汤姆：我不知道，爸爸。 父亲：啊，不对，你知道！想想看，当别的孩子们都在做作业、写字时，谁在课堂上坐着，只是看人家做功课？ 汤姆：我们老师，爸爸。 Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he said to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones." Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you." Johnson: "But I want you to." Wife: "But why?" Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!" 译文： 老农约翰逊就要死了。他的家人都站在床边。他声音低沉地对妻子说：“我死后，我想你嫁给农夫琼斯。” 妻子说：“不，在你死后，我不能嫁给任何人。” 约翰逊：“但我希望你这么做。” 妻子：“为什么？” 约翰逊：“因为琼斯曾在一笔贩马的交易中欺骗了我。”
天天～甜甜
甲:nothing is worse than this.（再也没比这更糟糕的了。）乙:no,nothing is worse than this.（不，一无所有比这更糟。）
周闹闹now
妈妈让五岁的爱丽去问候邻居老乔Old Joe，一个八十多岁的老爷爷：Go to ask how Old Joe is, Ally.爱丽哭着回来，妈妈问她怎么回事，爱丽哭着说：He is angry. He said it's none of my business when I asked him“How old are you?”
美多多lady
1.On Sunday they pray for you and on Monday prey on you. 星期天他们为你祈祷，星期一他们却向你榨取。 2.Seven days without water makes one weak (week). 七天不喝水，虚的拉不动腿。3.Why is an empty purse always the same? Because there is never any change in it. 钱包为什么老是瘪的？ 因为它里面从来就没有零钱。4.We eat what we can and what we can’t we can. 我们能吃的就吃，不能吃的就做成罐头。5.A professor tapped on his desk and shouted: “Gentlemen ,order!” The entire class yelled “Beer!” 一位教授敲着桌子喊道：“先生们，安静！”全班同学异口同声地喊“啤酒”。6.A little boy came up to his mother. “Ma,” he said, “I have some to tell you. My teacher kissed me.” “Well, were you a good boy and did you kiss her back?” “Of course not!” he denied indignantly, “I kissed her face.” 小男孩来到身边，说：“妈，跟你说件事，老师吻了我。” “那好啊，乖孩子，你也吻她了吗？” “当然没有！”他气气冲冲地否认道，“我吻她脸了。”7.Why is a river so rich?为什么一条河流如此富有？Because it has two banks.因为它有两个岸边（银行）。8.Why do carpenters reasonably believe that there isn’t such a thing as stone?为什么木匠们总认为没有像石头一样硬的东西？Because they never saw it.因为他们从来没有见（锯）过这样的东西。9.Why can you never expect a fisherman to be generous?为什么你不应该指望渔夫慷慨？Because his business makes him sell fish.因为他的行当使他卖鱼（自私）。10.What is the strongest day of the week?每周最强大的日子是哪天？It’s Sunday, because the other days are weekdays.星期天，因为其它的日子都是工作日（弱小的日子）。
腾瑞水暖卫浴
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up "Yeah, right
空气精灵
Afterschool,alittleboysaidtohismumhappily,"Mum,IdidsowelltodaythatMissGreenkissedmeontheface."一个小男孩放学回家后对他妈妈说，“妈妈，我今天表现很好，格林小姐亲了我的脸。”"Well,wereyouagoodboyanddidyoukissherback?"askedMum.“好样的，那你有没有做个好孩子，也亲了她？”（在这里back是‘回应，回复’的意思）"No,ofcoursenot!"theboydeniedindignantly,"Ididn'tkissherback.Ikissedherface."“没有，当然没有！”男孩愤愤地否决到，“我没有亲她的背，我亲了她的脸。”(小男孩把back理解成了背，而他妈妈说的back是回应的意思）这是一个关于"back"双关语的笑话
哎呀呀biubiubiu
1.Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"2.A lady is eating breakfast out on her patio one morning, when she notices a massive gorilla climbing up her palm tree. This sight scares her so she runs inside her house. Trying to figure out what to do she grabs the yellow pages and looks it up--sure enough right in the yellow pages is a big ad for gorilla extractors. She calls the number and the man on the other end of the line says he'll be right over. When he shows up he explains to the lady that it is a pretty common problem and it should only take a few minutes. First he must get his equipment. So from his truck he grabs a stepladder, a shotgun, an eight foot pole, handcuffs and a mean ass dog. The lady exclaims, "What the hell is all that stuff for?" The gorilla extractor explains: "First I climb up on the stepladder and ram this here pole up the gorilla ass. This will cause the gorilla to fall from the tree at which point that mean ass dog will bite the gorilla in the balls. This temporarily paralyzes the gorilla. At which point I put the handcuffs on the gorilla and take him away. The lady asks, "What's the shotgun for?" The man answers, "In case I fall off the ladder, you shoot that mean ass dog!"3.A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. Ibn the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?" The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife." "What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter. "My wife."
