yq1109胖丫头
-Dad,i'm hungry!-Hi!Hungry!I'm dad!-Dad!I'm serious!-No!You're hungry!!-You're joking!-No!I'm dad.:D
catcat654321
谐音英语笑话大全笑破你的肚子
同学们都闹出过怎样的笑话?不妨道来大家听听我为您整理的英语笑话。
You don’t have to pay for lightning
Teacher：Who can tell me the difference between lightning and electricity?
Student：You don’ t have to pay for lightning.
闪电不用付钱
老师：谁能告诉我闪电与电的区别?
学生：闪电不用付钱。
H o n e s t y
A man who is driving a car stopped by a police officer.The following exchange takes place...
Man：What's the problem，officer?
Officer：You were going at least 75in a 55zone.
Man：No，sir，I was going 65.
Wife：Oh，Harry.You were going 80.(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer：I' m also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight.
Man：Broken taillight?I didn't know about a broken taillight。
Wife：Oh Harry，you've known about that tail for weeks.(Man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer：I' m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man：Oh，I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife：Oh，Harry，you never wear your seat belt.
Man：Shut your dang mouth。
Officer：(Turns to the woman)：Ma ' am，does your husband talk to you this way all the time?
Wife：No，only when he's drunk.
诚 实
警官让一位驾车的男士停下车。随后出现如下的对话：
男士：警官，有什么问题?
警官：你在限速55英里的地段开到至少75英里。
男士：不，长官，是65英里。
妻子：啊，哈里，你刚才开到80英里。(男士瞪了妻子一眼。)
警官：我还要给你张罚单，你的.尾灯碎了。
男士：尾灯碎了?你不说，我还真不知道尾灯碎了。
妻子：哦，哈里，几个星期以前你就知道了。(男士又恶狠狠地瞪了她一眼。)
警官：我还要给你张传票，你没系安全带。
男士：噢，你朝我车走过来的时候我才解开的。
妻子：啊，哈里，你从来都不系安全带。
男士：闭上你的臭嘴。
警官：(转向女士)夫人，你丈夫总是这样跟你说话吗?
妻子：不，只有当他醉了的时候。
He must have a computer
A mother was teaching her 5-year-old son about God. “Do you know, ”she said to him one day, “that God knows where everybody is all the time, and exactly what they are doing. ”The little boy looked at his mother wide-eyed and said, “Wow. He must have a computer.”
他一定有台电脑
一位母亲给她5岁的儿子讲上帝。“你知道吗, ”有一天她对他说, “无论一个人在哪里, 在干什么事情, 上帝都知道。”小男孩睁大了眼睛看着他妈妈说, “哇。那他一定有一台电脑。”
Nice Try
My wife and I were stopped by a state policeman. He started to write up a speeding ticket. My wife, who’s a hair stylist, said, “If you let us off with a warning, I’ll give you a free haircut for a year. ”
The policeman removed his hat--and he was completely bald.
by Peter Orphanos
尝 试
我和妻子被警察拦住了，他给我们开一个超速的罚款单。我的妻子是一个发型设计师，于是她就对警察说，“如果你让我们免于警告，我就为你免费理发一年。”
警察脱下他的帽子——他是一个光头。
Who is Disgusting
First：“My neighbor is very disgusting，who moved here recently，he rang the bell of my house with a rush late at night.”
Second：“It is disgusting in faith，do you call the police?”
First：“No.I just take him as a madman，and continue to play my piano.”
谁可恶
甲：“我家新搬来的邻居好可恶，竟然深更半夜跑来猛按我家的门铃。”
乙：“的确可恶。你有没有报警?”
甲：“没有。我当他是疯子，继续弹我的琴。”
纳木错dolphin
Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?""I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered."You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?""She is the one who sells the candy." 好孩子 小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”“她是个卖糖果的。” Nest and HairMy sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom."What kind of bird?" my sister asked."I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child."Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her ."Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. " Notes:(1) inform v.告诉(2) nest n.窝；巢(3) description n.描述(4) encourage v.鼓励(5) resemble v. 相似；类似 18.鸟窝与头发我姐姐是一位小学老师。一次一个学生告诉她说一只鸟儿在教室外 的树上垒了个窝。“是什么鸟呢？”我姐姐问她。“我没看到鸟儿，老师，只看到鸟窝。”那孩子回答说。“那么，你能给我们描述一下这个鸟巢吗？”我姐姐鼓励她道。“哦，老师，就像你的头发一样。”I've Just Bitten My Tongue"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother."Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?""Cause I've just bitten my tongue! " Notes:(1) poisonous adj.有毒的(2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue 因为我刚咬了自己的舌头。 句中 Cause 是 Because 的缩略形式。 我刚咬破自己的舌头“我们有毒吗？”一个年幼的蛇问它的母亲。“是的，亲爱的，”她回答说，“你问这个干什么？”“因为我刚刚咬破自己的舌头。”A Woman Who FellIt was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?" 摔倒的女人上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向纽约豪华中心站去赶一趟火车。接近门口，一位肥胖的中年妇女从后面冲过来，没想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了脚，仰面滑倒了。她的惯性使她接近了我的脚。我正准备扶她，她却自己爬了起来。她镇定了一下，对我挤了一下眉，说道：“总是有漂亮女人拜倒在你脚下吗？”英语笑话（一） Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea? A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys. 猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢？你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤，而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧？ Q: How can you most irritate a farmer? A: By treading on his corn? 如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定会生气的；而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼，他会更生气。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”，也有“鸡眼”的意思。 Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world? A: The snail. It carries its house on its back. 因为snail（蜗牛）的后背上总是背着一所房子，所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的。你说呢？ Q: What do people do in a clock factory? A: They make faces all day. 一看到make faces这个短语，你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀！因为除了这个意思以外，它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面。 Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep? A: Keep him awake. 怎样才能不让梦游者（sleepwalker）梦游（walk in his sleep）呢？最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。虽然这不是治疗方法，但如果让梦游者醒着呢，他的确就不会去梦游了。 英语笑话（二） He is really somebody -- My uncle has 1000 men under him. -- He is really somebody. What does he do? -- A maintenance man in a cemetery. 他真是一个大人物 -- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。 -- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的？ -- 墓地守墓人。 英语笑话（三） Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience. At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America." 它们是从美国直接带来的 一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久，到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台，银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票，看是否有假。 这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦，最后实在忍耐不住说：“相信我，先生，也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元，它们是从美国直接带来的。” 英语笑话（四）my little dog can't read Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog! Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers! Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read. 我的狗不识字 布朗夫人：哦， 亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！ 史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！ 布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。” 英语笑话（五）Bring me the winner -- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw. -- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight. -- Well, bring me the winner then. 给我那个打赢的吧 -- 服务员， 这个龙虾只有一只爪。 -- 对不起，先生，这只肯定打过架了。 -- 哦， 那给我那个打赢的吧。 英语笑话（六）The mean man's party. The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot." "Why use my elbow and foot?" "Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?" 吝啬鬼请客 一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，找中间那个门，然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后，再用你的脚把门推开。” “为什么要用我的肘和脚呢？” “你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪，你总不会空着手来吧？”吝啬鬼回答。
妩媚的撕纸座
有一天小明不小心走路撞到一个外国人，他不好意思的说：「I am sorry.」 「I am sorry,too.」外国人回答。 「I am sorry three.」小明马上回道。 「What are you sorry for？」外国人问。 「I am sorry five…」小明说。2 关于模糊音.一家陕西人在纽约唐人街开了家餐馆，儿子当服务生，老妈管收钱，老爸做大厨。某一天，店里来了个老外，点了个套餐，吃到一半， " 咣当 " ，把汤碗打了。 儿子跑过去看了一下，说： " 碗打了！ " 老外想： " one dollar,... ..." 老妈听见声音，也过来看，见地上有个破碗，问： " 谁打的？ " 老外想： " three dollar?... ..." 儿子说： " 他打的！ " 老外想： " ten dollar?! ... ..." 老妈又说： " 还得打一碗！ " 老外想： " hundred and one?!?! ... ..." 老爸正在厨房切菜，听见外面的声音，赶忙跑出来看怎么回事。忙乱中，忘了把菜刀放下。 五大三粗的老爸，手持菜刀站在餐厅里，老外一看，心跳加速，血压急升，但更让他心碎加崩溃的是老爸的一番话。 老爸对着正在加热炉上舀汤的儿子说： " 烫，少盛点儿！ " 老外： " ten thousand?!!3 关于名字的谐音 SCENE: The Oval Office. George Bush and Condolezza Rice. (场景) 椭圆形办公室, 乔治布什 和国家安全顾问康多里扎赖斯 George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening? 布什: 康迪(赖斯)! 很高兴见到你,发生什么事情了? Condi: Sir, I have the report about the new leader of China. 赖斯:长官,我来向你汇报中国的新领导人 George: Great. Let’s hear it. 布什: 好极了,我们一起来听听! Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. 赖斯:胡(谁)是中国的新领导人 George: That’s what I want to know. 布什:这就是我要知道的 Condi: That’s what I’m telling you. 赖斯:这就是我要告诉你的 George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China? 布什:这就是我要问你的,谁(胡)是中国的新领导人? Condi: Yes. 赖斯:是的 George: I mean the fellow’s name. 布什:我是说那个人的名字 Condi: Hu. 赖斯:胡(谁) George: The guy in China. 布什: 那个在中国的人 Condi: Hu. 赖斯:胡(谁) George: The new leader of China. 布什:中国的新领导人! Condi: Hu. 赖斯:胡(谁) George: The Chinese! 布什:那个中国人! Condi: Hu is leading China. 赖斯:胡(谁)领导中国 George: Now whaddya’ asking me for? 布什:啊?现在是你问我了? Condi: I’m telling you Hu is leading China. 赖斯: 我在告诉你, 胡(谁)在领导中国 George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China? 布什:我在问你,谁(胡)在领导中国? Condi: That’s the man’s name. 赖斯:就是那人的名字 George: That’s whose name? 布什:就是谁(胡)的名字? Condi: Yes. 赖斯:是的 George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China? 布什:你到底愿不愿意告诉我谁(胡)是中国的领导人? Condi: Yes sir. 赖斯:是的,长官（亚瑟尔） George: Yassir? You mean Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East. 布什：亚瑟尔？你是说阿拉法特在中国？我以为他在中东呢 Condi: That’s correct. 赖斯：没错 George: Then who is in China? 布什：那么谁（胡）在中国？ Condi: Yes, sir. 赖斯：是的长官（亚瑟尔） George: Yassir is in China? 布什：亚瑟尔在中国？？ Condi: No, sir. 赖斯：不，长官 George: Then who is? 布什：那么谁（胡）在？ Condi: Yes, sir. 赖斯：是的长官（亚瑟尔） George: Yassir? 布什：亚瑟尔？ Condi: No, sir 赖斯：不，长官. George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get m e the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. I bet he knows. 布什：听着，赖斯．我要知道中国新领导人的名字，给我接联合国秘书长．我 觉得他会知道 Condi: Kofi? 赖斯：科费（咖啡）？ George: No, thanks. 布什：不，谢谢 Condi: You want Kofi? 赖斯：你要科费（咖啡）？ George: No. 布什：不！！ Condi: You don’t want Kofi. 赖斯：那么你不要科费（咖啡） George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N. 布什：不，但是既然你提到它，我要杯牛奶就可以了，然后给我接联合国 Condi: Yes, sir. 赖斯：是的长官（亚瑟尔） George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N. 布什：不是亚瑟尔！是联合国的头！ Condi: Kofi? 赖斯：科费（咖啡）？ George: No, milk! Will you please make the call? 布什：不，牛奶！你给我接通电话好不？ Condi: Call who? 赖斯：给谁打？ George: Who is the guy at the U.N? 布什：谁（胡）是联合国的头？ Condi: Hu is the guy in China. 赖斯：胡（谁）是中国的头 George: Will you stay out of China?! 布什：你能不能不提中国了？！ Condi: Yes, sir. 赖斯：是的长官（亚瑟尔） George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N! 布什：也别提中东了！给我接通联合国的头就好了！ Condi: Kofi? 赖斯：科费（咖啡）？ George: All right! Light with sugar. Now get on the phone. 布什：好啦好啦！那就少加点糖吧！给我接电话 (Condi picks up the phone.) （赖斯拿起电话） Condi: Rice here 赖斯：赖斯在这（这有米饭） George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too 布什：米饭?好主意。在来两个蛋卷。Im a nice，a bus,end a earth.me yes 我奶死，爸死，儿死，我噎死。（最后一个纯属自创版，请勿抄袭！！）
