豆哥豆爷
近些年,冷笑话作为一种特殊的幽默方式在互联网、电视节目、书籍杂志上广泛流传。我精心收集了英语笑话大全带翻译，供大家欣赏学习!
神奇的高尔夫球
A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"
一个高尔夫球手正要发球，跑上来一个无限谄媚的小个子推销员，喊到：“ 等一下。在您发球前，我请您看一样超神奇的东西。”
The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"
高尔夫球手颇感被打搅，说道：“什么东西啊?”
"It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"
“是一个很特别的高尔夫球 - 一个永远不会被弄丢的球!”
"you can never lose it"，scoffs the golfer, "What if you hit it into the water?
“永远不会丢的球”，高尔夫球手嘲讽地说，“如果球被打到水里呢?”
"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."
“没问题。它能漂起来，还能探测到哪里是岸，然后自己就能转到岸边。”
"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"
“那么如果掉到树丛里呢?”
"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."
“简单。它能发出嘟嘟声，这样你就能循声而至了。”
"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?"
“那如果天黑了怎么找它呢?”
"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"
“球会在黑暗中发光啊!一句话，你永远不会找不到这个球。”
The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?"
高尔夫球手当即买下这个球，随口问了一句：“你从哪搞到它的?”
"I found it."
“是我捡到的啦!”
It was a woman's first time on a plane. She boarded the plane and found herself a windowseat.
一位女士头一回坐飞机。她登机后发现自己的座位仅靠窗子。
After she settled in, a man came over and insisted that she was in his seat. She ignored himand told him to go away.
她坐好后，一位男士走过来坚持说她坐了他的位子。这位女士根本不听，只告诉他走开。
"Okay," replied the man. "If that's the way you want it, you fly the plane."
“好吧，”男士回答道。“如果你真想这样，你来开飞机吧。”
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell onthe same day.
一对夫妇结婚已经25年了，正在一起庆祝他们的结婚纪念日和60岁生日。
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a lovingcouple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.
正庆祝时，一位仙女从天而降说25年来他们一直相亲相爱，她将实现他们每个人一个愿望。
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had thetickets in her hand.
妻子说想环游世界。仙女握住了她的手，只听轰的一声。妻子手中出现了各种入场券和票。
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like tohave a woman 30 years younger than me."
接着就该丈夫许愿了。他顿了一下，然后不好意思地说：“嗯，我想要一个比我年轻30岁的妻子。”
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.
仙女拿起魔杖，只听轰的一声!丈夫变成90岁的老翁了。
Boy:Honey,my love of you is beyond expression.
小伙子:亲爱的,我对你的爱,简直无法用语言来表达.
Girl:Then you can use money to express it.
姑娘:那你就用金钱来表达吧!
whahappy502
趣味英语笑话集锦
你身边真正的朋友，跟你美丑没多大关系，跟你有钱没钱没多大关系，下面，我给大家收集整理了趣味英语笑话集锦，一起来学学幽默，收集好人缘吧!
Hospitality
好客
The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese.
由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。
The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate.
这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。
The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?"
客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪?”
"In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.
“在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。
留学前，我觉得自己英文还行，甚至讲起英语来还有口头禅，总爱模仿美剧中老美的口音，说话前先来句“You Know…”作为开场白。当时感觉，这样开始对话会产生些许亲近感，能马上跟对方套上近乎。
我们有一门考试是要跟导师面对面坐下交谈的。因为平时上课时我提问比较多，暗自感觉她应该蛮喜欢我。而且我接触到的美国人普遍给人感觉都是挺容易相处的， 所以即使是老师，大家面对面时也能像朋友般。考试的时候，我也想借此营造一种轻松和平等的对话氛围。记得我当时被问及的题目是“你如何看待嘉年华这种形式”。我习惯性地脱口而出：“You know, I haven’t had any carnival before, but…”
正当我准备口若悬河炫耀自己的英语口语时，只见对方面无表情地瞪了我一眼，毫不客气地打断说“I don’t know。”突然间我尴尬得无地自容。更难堪的是，老师还紧接着用质疑的口吻补充道：“Really?You don’t have any carnival before?”那表情仿佛在告诉我，“你从没经历过嘉年华?怎么来回答这个问题?怎么发表你的见解?”
我就知道接下去的对话没可能简单进行了，更别提想得高分了……
提示：You know是一个非正式的表达，所以不合适用于这样的正式场合，也最好不要跟导师这么说。
Can I have another one?
留学地：英国
有次跟英国同学一起去一家餐馆，那里主菜是可以续的。因此一群人兴致勃勃一起前去。主菜分量小，吃一份确实还没饱。我当即想要续一份，于是举着手对服务员 叫唤：“Can I have another one?服务员连忙跑过来惊恐地看看我，再看看我的盘子，问我：“Is there any problem, sir?”我回答：“No, I just want to have another one。”一边说一边还心里犯嘀咕，英国佬也挺抠门的嘛，明明说好能续的，怎么一谈到续餐还要大惊小怪问有什么问题。
对面的同学见状，立马微笑着对服务员解释道：“Just one more,please。”服务员这才跑开去，但仿佛还心有疙瘩。等服务员再端上来一份后，人家还念念不 忘问我是否对主菜有任何问题，我忙不迭地说“没问题，没问题……”接下去的餐只敢埋头闷吃，极为不好意思。
提示：原来这位同学说的那句话，以及说话前的大声召唤状会被人误以为是我对食物不满意，要求更换一份。通常这对一家餐馆来说是一种极大的不满和批评，属于挺原则性的问题。其实要求续餐只需简单说一句“One more，please”即可，意思就是“再给一份”。
where are you from?
留学地：美国
第一次打电话叫TAXI，对方问“where are you from” 我回答CHINA。还在奇怪叫 taxi 还分国籍?想学习更多英语知识，请关注口袋英语aikoudaiyy
对方可能以为我在搞笑，很郁闷的说“sorry, we can not do that。” 我一听，火大。怎么有种族歧视啊。就问： why? 对方愣了半天，挂了。
提示：好吧，我承认这个有点类似“—How are you ? —Fine,thank you。”的这种条件反射，可惜人家出租车司机只是想知道去哪接你罢了。
About telphone number
留学地：加拿大
朋友刚来的时候不认识什么人，所以在班上试图交朋友，一日， 觉得一白人哥们人挺好，于是想要人家电话号码，日后做朋友。
于是问：“HOW MANY IS YOU PHONE NUMBER?” 白人说：“TEN。”
提示：要电话的表达一般是“May I have your phone number?”等，像这种“你电话是多少”的直译显然是不合适的。
Bill bill?
留学地：加拿大
来加拿大的时候，去学校上课谁都不认识，然后中午自己吃饭。听同学说有家的咖啡很不错，然后就想去买。然后走错地方了，跑一个法国餐厅了，然后就坐下来了，点了个最便宜的。
吃完饭，不知道咋埋单。然后看到隔壁桌有个男的说bill。
就听到bill这个词了，然后就把服务生叫过来说："I am finished，bill bill"
然后还顺势用手做手枪的手势指着账单给那女的看，然后人家吓坏了。然后叫了俩男的`过来，把我朋友也吓坏了，解释了半天才出去。
提示：要买单怎么说?口语中：“Check, please!”或 “Bill, please!”就是最地道的表达了!还可以这样表达 “Waiter, I'll take the check。”
其他关于付帐的相关表达还有：pay the tab / pay the bill / foot the bill / square for the meal 等。
Leg?Ham!
留学地：英国
一朋友第一次来英国正好遇上入关检查特严，她妈妈让她给这边的一个朋友带了个金华火腿结果被狗狗闻出来了就被领去office了。然后officer就要她解释用报纸包起来的东西是什么……
我那同学说leg……
然后那officer一脸被吓到的表情，问了句"Pardon?!" 我那朋友很大声重复说leg!
她说我当时想那officer怎么连火腿都不懂，还特地在腿上比划了半天leg啊leg就是leg啊……
提示：让我们复习一下火腿怎么说吧~是 ham 哦。而 leg 则是腿部的统称，第一反应是人腿。所以officer绝对被震惊到了呢~
Yes or No?
有次房东问我 Did u eat anyting yet? 我说no。
她听后重复了一遍 So u didn't eat anyting. 我说 yes。
房东老太太犹豫了下又问"Did u eat ?" 我说 no。
她接着说 So u didn't eat 。我说 yes。
估计她当时要崩溃了
提示：这应该是个很老的段子了，无奈我每次听还是会觉得很好笑。文化差异这东东还真根深蒂固呢。于是再复习一次吧。
英语国家的说话习惯是按照事实情况回答，吃了就是Yes，没吃就是No，不管问句是以肯定开头还是否定。
自由女神像怎么说?
刚到US的朋友，到了纽约，想去看自由女神，但是不知道路。于是乎在路边抓了一个白佬 --Hi, do you know where is the free woman?
白佬愣了半天，支支吾吾：I... don't know...Tell me when you know it。
提示：自由女神的正确说法是“Statue of Liberty”。而这里的free，可以理解成“免费的”。于是这句话自然囧到人家老外了。
土豆泥怎么说?
一天去kfc, 要土豆泥，不会说，就在那里跟cashier苦喊potato sauce，估计她以为我傻呢，给我了七八袋 ketchup。
提示：土豆泥的标准说法是“mashed potato”，而 Ketchup 是番茄酱等的意思，这个词也还有其他拼法： catsup, catchup, ketsup。
外带怎么说?
初来乍到，跑到麦当劳点餐。虽然紧张，但之前表现都很是不错，一直维持到服务员问：“ here or to go?”
第一次接触外带餐这词，还好思维敏捷马上明白过来了，可是嘴上紧张，对着那男服务员直接喊出"Let’s go!"。服务员石化1秒后，说了句OK。
提示：for here: 在这儿吃;to go: 打包带走。这两个词很常用，大家要记得哦。
屠夫糖糖
Mental retardation Bob: Can doctor, how know that seems the normal person contracts the mental retardation? Dr. : Again easy, you ask a he simple question, if he cannot answer, may judge his mental retardation. Bob: What question? Dr. : Captain Cook round-the-world trip three times, and in one time lost their life, ask that was that one time. Bob: Also has other questions to be possible to ask? I must acknowledge that I am not many to the historical understanding. reports to the police one day of police station to receive a telephone, opposite party sound is urgent. “gentleman! Save a life! A bit faster saves a life!” “young lady, you said slowly that what matter has had?” “had a cat to crawl my family to come!” “a cat crawls should not be the very major problem!” “is not good, is not good! This cat is very dangerous! The cat is very dangerous!” “young lady, do not fear, cat really not dangerous ......” “gentleman, your is here a police station? Is police station's words, I telephone to call you, you to come to rescue me! A bit faster! The cat had already come, is very dangerous!” “young lady, who are you?” “I am the parrot! I am the parrot!” road middle hedgehog the two hedgehogs arrive at among the street, they planned that passes through the zebra crossing. a hedgehog said: Don't from this. another hedgehog said: Why can't? the first hedgehog said: Had a look at that zebra to encounter you to understand. polar bear family a small polar bear runs asks mother. small polar bear: Mother, you determined that I am the polar bear, is not the collar ktranslitk or the brown bear? Aunt Xiong: To, the son, you are the polar bear truly. the small polar bear runs asks daddy. small polar bear: Daddy, you determined that I am the polar bear, is not the collar ktranslitk or the brown bear? bear daddy: To, the boy, you are the polar bear truly. the small polar bear runs asks Grandpa Xiong. small polar bear: Grandfather, you determined that I am the polar bear, is not the collar ktranslitk or the brown bear? Grandpa Xiong: To, the child, you are the polar bear truly. Why can ask like this? small polar bear: Because I am cold.
了无痕Sky
敬业团队，专业答案，仅供参考，欢迎加入，点个采纳，嘻嘻：Oneday,Iwasonthewaytoschool,Isawapieceofdark,soIstopped,Ithink,thisthingisshit,soIuseahandtotouchinhismouth,tasteditandHMMM,isshit,luckily,I'mgladIdidn'ttrample.
安然若水
intellectual deficiency Bob: Doctor, how to tell a guy has intellectual deficiency who seems normal? Doctor: It's very easy. You can ask him a question. He must be have intellectual deficiency if he can't answer. Bob: what's the question? Doctor: Captain Hook had travled world 3 times and he died in one time, which time? Bob: Excuse me? Do you have another questions? I have to admit that I don't familar with the historyAsking for helpOne day a police station get a call from a very nerves girl."Sir! Help！ Help!""Miss, please calm down, what's wrong?""There is a cat coming in my room"oh, I think it's not a big deal for a cat's coming""No, no this cat is very dengerous, the cat is dengerous""Miss, the cat is really not dengerous""Sir, are you police station? Please come to help me after I called you if you are a police. The cat is here now. It's dengerous""Miss, Who heil are you?""I'm a parrot, I'm a parrot"the hedgehogs on the roadtwo hedgehog came to the road and they want to cross the road on the zebra crossingone of the hedgehog said:"Don't do this!"another one asked:"Why not?"first one said:"You will know after you see the accedent that happened to the zebra"the polar bear familyA little polar bear asked his mom a questionlittle polar bear: "Mom, are you sure I am a polar bear? not a cola or a brown bear"Momy:"Yes you are, my boy."and the little polar bear went to ask his dadylittle polar bear:"Dady, are you sure I am a polar bear? not a cola or a brown bear"Dady: "Yes you are, boy"Latter the little polar bear went to ask his grandpa.little polar bear:"Grandpa, are you sure I am a polar bear? not a cola or a brown bear"grandpa: "Yes you are, boy, why you ask like this?"little polar bear:"because I feel cold"
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