李老根记
2008年山寨风刮遍了大江南北，小编终于知道了电视直销中集十八般功用于一身、不怕摔不怕踹上得了刀山下得了火海的“钢板手机”原来出身山寨。2008年印象最深刻的就是网络怎样把一波又一波不入流的文化捧红，让人有了茶余饭后的谈资。以下就是小编为大家盘点的若干山寨英语的冷笑话，咱们国人大多从小闷在家里学英语，好些都没见过老外真人一个，难免会造出点儿比较“山寨”的说法来。这里的内容只需看后一笑，切莫当真学习哦！没带避雷针的赶快回家去取，被雷倒概不负责~ 最搞笑的就是最近流行的英文版《说句心里话》，还是阿甘版的。话说阿甘傻乎乎的形象还真有点兵哥哥的憨直劲儿！小编听了开篇第一句话就狂笑不止，从此这个调调和这些雷人英语就深深烙在心里，一不小心就会失声唱出来……以下是 歌词：say a word in heartI think my home toooften think my mother is white in hairsay a word in heart I have love toooften think a sleep hera sleep hercome~ come comebut became a soldiercome~ comeI know duty is bigyou don't carry gunI don't carry gunwho protect our motherwho come guard herwho come guard her仔细看看，囧是囧了点儿，居然没有语法错误……演唱者嗓子还特好，有点郁钧剑的风范。只是大家千万别把“来~来~”的语气词说成“come~come~”啊！人家还会以为你在叫宠物……囧片年年有，今年特别多。这些日子有《红楼梦》，它的前辈《新白娘子传奇》还是英文版的呢。开篇第一幕就是咱这代人从小看到大的经典镜头，画外若干干渴男声幽幽地和着：“Waiting one thousand years, One thousand years for a chance...” 几个男生身披被单手拿锅盆，说着有点蹩脚的英语，上演了一出许仙斗法海的“大戏”。小编定睛一看，甚觉眼熟，原来是松江大学城几位学弟的作品，向学友致敬了！搞笑效果还是要加分的……尤其是那只趴在地板上的小螃蟹。部分歌词和台词 片名： 《The Legend of Lady White》 《新白娘子传奇》 (以前的译法是“The Legend of Lady White Snake”，小编觉得没了“snake”感觉更好，不然真像一部恐怖片了。)歌词： Waiting one thousand years, 千年等一回 One thousand years for a chance. 等一回啊 Waiting one thousand years, 千年等一回 I have no regret. 我无悔啊 台词： 取自许仙救白蛇，与法海对抗的一幕。 Xu Xian: Fa Hai, come out to me! 许仙：法海，给我出来！ Fa Hai: Which one call me？Today’s youngsters become more and more impolite. 法海：哪个在叫我？如今的年轻人真是越发不懂礼貌了。 Xu Xian: You, stop! Give my wife back! 许仙：你，快停手，还我娘子！ 看完了两个搞笑段子，来看个相对“正经”的吧。 话说英语本来就是一门非常开放的语言，数百年的发展中吸收了世界各种语言的精粹，其中也有咱非常引以为豪的汉语。越是入流的、精华的文化，越是容易辐射影响到周边文化。“niubility”这个词你知道不？是不是看着眼熟，又有点莫名？不认识的看看下面这句话，保证你越看越糊涂：Many people think they are full of niubility, and like to play zhuangbility, which only reflect their shability.这几个词儿虽说难登大雅之堂，但可谓是中国语言中的极品了，对应的正是：牛X、装X、傻X。据说这几个词的写法是不对的，牛人们给了我们正确的指导，并列举了若干丰富的例句和词形转换：niubility：正确拼写应为newbility，名词 zhuangbility：正确拼写为drunbility，名词 shability：保持原拼写方式，名词 下面对几个词的词性作一下延展： drunbility 1、drunbility的词根为drunb，动词，装X的原意 进行时：drunbing；过去时：drunbed；完成时：have drunbed 2、drunbee：名词，装X的人，有装X倾向的人 例句：林 is a drunbee, but my father likes her, which is disgusting. 林是个装X的人，但是偶爸爸喜欢她，真恶心。 3、druber：名词，以装X为职业的人，专业装X者 例句：牛 is a drunber, he has been drunbing all his life, who is professional. 牛是个职业装X者，他一辈子都在装X，是专业级的。 4、drunby：形容词，装X的 例句：The way you playing music by your mobile phone on a bus is very drunby, not metion the song is 求佛. 你在公交车上用手机放音乐是很装X的，更别说那歌是求佛。 (用山寨手机放就更出彩了，动静特别大，我见识过。)5、drunblization：名词，装X化 例句：As more and more Starbucks running in China, the drunblization is getting worse and worse. 随着越来越多的星巴克在中国运营，人民装X化也越来越严重了。 6、drunblism：名词，装X主义 例句：The revolution of drublism in France starts in 1863, and people seems respecting that. 法国装X主义运动起源于1863年，人们貌似很崇拜。 newbility 1、newbility词根为newby，形容词，原意为牛X 例句：I think the song named 你是我的玫瑰我是你的花 is very newby. 我认为那首你是我的玫瑰我是你的花很牛X。 比较级：newber；最高级：newbest 例句：There is no newbest, only newber. 没有最牛X，只有更牛X。 2、newber：名词，牛X的人 例句：王小波 is a newber, and 罗永浩 is also a newber. 王小波是个牛X的人，罗永浩也是个牛X的人。 3、newbable：形容词，可以牛X的，值得牛X的 例句：I think the cup of 34E is newbable, you should be proud. 我认为34E的罩杯很值得牛X，你应该自豪。 4、newbilization：名词，牛X化 例句：The newbilization of white collar is a global problem. 白领牛X化是个全球性的问题。 shability 1、shability词根为shaby，名词，傻X 例句：周 thinks 崔 is a shaby, which turns out 周 is the real big shaby. 周认为崔是傻X，结果周才是真正的大傻X。 2、shability，名词，傻X能力 例句：The power of your shability is as damagable as the earthquake. 你傻X的能力犹如地震一样具有毁灭性。3、shabilization，名词，傻X化 牛X这个词你可千万别认为是土鳖文化，其实在欧美可是相当流行。一位熟悉汉语的美国人大呼：这个词的意思太微妙，翻译成哪一个英文词都差那么几分味道：The idea of ‘untranslatable words’ is very nice. It’s a token of value; it adds a touch of solemn mystery to the work of translation, which otherwise consists mostly of nose-scratching, window-staring, and finding something to weight the book down with. But look, you see? We also have an ineffable something; a tragic ideal; we’re not simply pulling a plow.Sometimes I think there’s actually such a thing as an untranslatable word, sometimes I don’t. On a good day it seems that any word or phrase could be rendered into English with enough care, even if the word itself vanished and were detectable only through a subtle ruffling of the surrounding text.But on a bad day, I'm trying to translate níubī.On the face of it, niubi is not untranslatable at all: the characters niu and bi can be rendered into English with great precision by the words – and I beg your pardon – ‘cow pussy’, niu being the zoological reference, bi the anatomical. But though the denotation of niubi is embarrassingly plain, it’s connotations are far from obvious.Niubi is a term of approbation, perhaps the greatest such term in colloquial Chinese. Niubi is an attitude, a lifestyle: a complete lack of concern over what other people think of you, and the resulting freedom to do whatever you please. It is knowing exactly what you’re capable of, making the decision to act, and to hell with the consequences. It is the essence of ‘cool’, but taken to the nth degree, and with a dirty word thrown in.Of course, like all great philosophical concepts, niubi has an inverse side – an excess of niubi leads to self-importance, arrogance, hubris, imperiousness, and very dangerous driving. The key difference between positive and negative niubi is that in the former, you have the ability (本事, běnshì) to back your attitude up, while in the latter you don’t. Thus the derivatives bīyàng (the appearance of a bi), and zhuāngbī (pretending to be bi – in northeastern China this will start a fight). The line between positive and negative blurs when it comes to people in positions of power, who assume they are justified in a certain measure of niubi.小编认为既然如此，这些词迟早都要被收入英语字典，变成红彤彤的主流英语。刚开始学英文时，很多人都干过用中文标注英文读音的注音大法。比如在Big后面标上“比格”，在come后面标上“考木”等等……学语言本来就是很囧的一件事，老外们学中文的时候也干过用英文标注中文读音的事儿…… 《老外的中文笔记》非常有意思，首先请大家读读原文：Dear Timshall by too dull doll by too jack wondolphin long can Jim shall by too lowshall by too when dull low, doll car lowdolphin long doll Ham Eason"more power!"没看懂？其实中文是：(看完中文之后，大家就知道为什么国际友人说中文读音总是怪怪的了……)第二天 (Dear Tim)小白兔(shall by too )到大白兔(doll by too )家去玩大灰狼(dolphin long )看见(can Jim )小白兔了小白兔闻到了(when dull low)，躲开了(doll car low)大灰狼大喊一声(doll Ham Eason)“莫跑！”("more power!"全文的精华就在这一句……)每次去逛城隍庙、七浦路等地，经常看到商贩们拿着个大号的计算器冲着老外比比划划，老外要走人还会被狠狠拉住袖子。也有的商贩明显文化水平较高，英文说得倍儿溜，当然生意就显得好做。下面的这个北京女人街的“土法教学”挺有意思，就是效果差了点儿；看来咱学英语还是不能太想当然，不能跟前面那位老外学中文似的，有时间多去听听老外怎么说，依样画葫芦才好让人家听得懂。 北京女人街山寨英语考起老外 好挖油 = How are you ？三克油 = Thank you“歪儿卡母(Welcome)”、“鼓捣普瑞斯(Good price)”这些是哪国语言？英语也！北京朝阳区女人街的商户们正用这类“土产英语”与外国顾客讨价还价。女人街的外国顾客近两个月激增十倍，管理公司因此要求商户恶补英语，否则冇得留低。商户为保生意，只好按当局提供的《应急英语》，以普通话发音拼读英语，但“土产英语”令外国人听得一头雾水，有外国人更乾脆以普通话与商户交谈。外籍客多商户要考英语 女人街位于朝阳区第三使馆区附近，随著美国新大使馆迁入第三使馆区，并在上月正式办公，女人街的外籍客流由以前每天数十人，增至目前约800人。女人街管理公司副总经理高振军称，商户一时无法适应与外国人谈生意，单靠指手画脚或借助计算机，不能留住客人。为了应急，他们便向逾千商户各派发《英语应急表》，上面附有普通话发音，如将“Thank you”标成“三克油”。“不懂英语音标，只好跟著中文念，现学现卖了”、“我都学了十几句，就是人家听不太懂。”一些女人街商户说。虽然商户们都努力地根据应急表说“英语”，但由于直接以普通话拼读英语，让英语发音十分生硬，加上商户们南腔北调的口音，结果令女人街内的外国顾客以为商户们说的是中文。一略懂中文的新西兰留学生前日在一家商铺内与商户李先生讨价还价，在几句艰难的交流后，该留学生便用普通话向李说：“你还是说中国话吧！”引得身边的顾客都哈哈大笑。除了提供《英语应急表》，女人街的管理单位目前每天为商户广播英语一小时，同时请人进行英语培训，稍后还将请专业人士对商户进行口试和笔试，商户考试不过关，就会被踢走。北京女人街应急英语 英文句：Wonderful(万得佛) 意思：极好英文句：Good price(鼓捣普瑞斯) 意思：价钱很公道英文句：No Discount(闹欧迪斯康特)意思：没有折扣英文句：May I help you?(美爱嗨扑由)意思：需要帮忙吗？英文句：How's this?(好斯贼斯)意思：这个怎麼样？英文句：Welcome(歪儿卡母) 意思：欢迎光临英文句：I'd like a suit(爱的赖克饿秀特)意思：我想买件套装
京荣盛门业
英语笑话（一）Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea? A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys. 猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢？你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤，而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧？ Q: How can you most irritate a farmer? A: By treading on his corn? 如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定会生气的；而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼，他会更生气。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”，也有“鸡眼”的意思。 Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world? A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.因为snail（蜗牛）的后背上总是背着一所房子，所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的。你说呢？ Q: What do people do in a clock factory? A: They make faces all day. 一看到make faces这个短语，你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀！因为除了这个意思以外，它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面。 Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep? A: Keep him awake. 怎样才能不让梦游者（sleepwalker）梦游（walk in his sleep）呢？最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。虽然这不是治疗方法，但如果让梦游者醒着呢，他的确就不会去梦游了。 英语笑话（二） He is really somebody -- My uncle has 1000 men under him. -- He is really somebody. What does he do? -- A maintenance man in a cemetery. 他真是一个大人物 -- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。 -- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的？ -- 墓地守墓人。英语笑话（三）Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience. At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America." 它们是从美国直接带来的 一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久，到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台，银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票，看是否有假。 这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦，最后实在忍耐不住说：“相信我，先生，也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元，它们是从美国直接带来的。”英语笑话（四）my little dog can't read Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog! Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers! Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read. 我的狗不识字 布朗夫人：哦， 亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！ 史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！ 布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。”英语笑话（五）Bring me the winner -- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw. -- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight. -- Well, bring me the winner then. 给我那个打赢的吧 -- 服务员， 这个龙虾只有一只爪。 -- 对不起，先生，这只肯定打过架了。 -- 哦， 那给我那个打赢的吧。英语笑话（六）The mean man's party. The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot." "Why use my elbow and foot?" "Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?" 吝啬鬼请客 一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，找中间那个门，然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后，再用你的脚把门推开。” “为什么要用我的肘和脚呢？” “你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪，你总不会空着手来吧？”吝啬鬼回答。英语笑话（七）Advice for "Kid" A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is n their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,"Get the kid." 忠告“年轻者” 这里想对将要退休者提一点忠告。如果你只有65岁的话， 千万别进退休社区。因为那里人人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。每当要搬东西，抬东西或者装东西时，他们就叫喊，“让小的干吧。”英语笑话（八）Which woman? One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall. On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out."The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield." My husband looked up and said, "Mom's here?" 哪一位女人？ 一天晚上我开着丈夫的车去购物，回来后发现车身沾满灰尘，于是擦洗了一阵。当我终于走进屋里时大声喊：“世界上最爱你的女人刚擦洗了你的车灯和挡风玻璃。” 我丈夫抬头看了看，说：“妈妈来了？”英语笑话（九）The doctor lives downstairs "Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me." He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs." 医生住在楼下 “医生”她冲进屋后大声说道。 “我想让你坦率地说我到底得了什么病。” 他从头到脚打量打量她，然后大声说：“太太，我有三件事要对你说。第一，您的体重需要减少大约50磅；第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口红，您的美貌将会改变。第三，我是一位画家——医生住在楼下。”英语笑话（十）One Engine Left A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, "Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a r esult." Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late." At this point, one passenger became furious. "For Pete's sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!" 只剩一个引擎 一架747客机正在跨越大西洋时，喇叭里传来了机长的声音：“旅客们请注意，我们的四个引擎中有一个丢失了。但剩下的三个引擎会把我们带到伦敦的。只是我们要因此晚到一小时 。” 过了一会儿，旅客们又听到机长的声音：“各位，你们猜怎么啦 ？我们刚又掉了第三个引擎。但请你们相信好了。只有一个引擎我们也能飞，但要晚三个小时了。” 正在这时，一位乘客非常气愤地说：“看在上帝的份上，如果我们再掉一个引擎，我们就要整夜都要呆在天上了。”
