搞笑英语翻译小品

一秒钟与一百万A Second and A Million Dollars A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second" 一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."

英文Super funny comedy "blind detection ."( Figure A, rural old man aged 61 years is a rheumatic diseases , or a serious presbyopia. Figure B , drug agent detection division , or a high degree of myopia , myopia up to 1250 degrees )( Props, two chairs , a work desk , a bed. )( Scenario A one stage hands also take a walk on crutches to assist walking cane, said while walking )A : My old man suffering from rheumatism for many years ; to see a doctor , spent all the family money ; no way I had to borrow money from the sick to see ; your patient alive is hard to talk about this ! I have recently heard that there is a kind of what is called, " Zhuiming revive Dan ," the drug can treat : " osteoarthritis rheumatoid, what organs can cure AIDS " buy point try. Looking for most of the day , the address , the sale of drugs is this place ! ( A slowly pushed open the door into the house , he saw , B are lying on the floor touching things, old man vertigo, did not see what they said is Gesha )A : This is a place to sell drugs a dog doing it ! Gosh ! What breed ah ! Head is not small ! ( In this case, B to A climb over, according to B of A is the kick ass shouted ) to bite me Tisi you !B : Oh ! Who kicked me !A : OMG ! You see my eyes, this is not the man you ! ( Hurried apology ) I'm really sorry ! My bad eyes , and consequently see a piece . Mistook you as that thing up !B : ( slowly stood up ) What do you do ?A : I was rheumatic patients to these medicines , you are " Zhuiming revive Dan " factory agent , right ?B : ( B one thought is to buy medicine , the sale to a busy answered with a smile ) Yes! We are looking for old comrades to the bench to sit down and talk ( B groping to find a stool and sat down )B : Come and sit down old comrades ! ( A also looking stool and sat down )A : You just lying on the floor doing? Whole I thought you were going to bite me!B : Oh ! This is not it all a misunderstanding , I myopia , which put just can not find my glasses , no glasses and I almost blind , just what is in touch glasses .A : Oh ! You also worse than I am blind , how would you in this one ?B : There is one, go to the next patient commercials go. The smaller the person , the less overhead it!A : Oh ! Broadcast every afternoon . Those patients say that this drug God ! Do not know, it makes good medicine in the end !B : This is where you can come on , I tell you about the pharmacological it !A : What do you say speak.B : Do you know " Zhuiming revive Dan " This drug is how made it?A : I do not know .B : Tell you what, " Zhuiming revive Dan " This drug wow , is extracted from turtle egg out !A : turtle egg ?B : that people say bastard .A : Oh ! Understand, you son of a bitch this drug is extracted from the inside out ! Right ?B : You can almost say that!A : That son of a bitch what's inside can be a good thing ah ?B : Then I ask you: Is this bastard of a long life is not long ?A : Long ! Millennium bastard you !B : Do you think again , bastard often live in the water , then damp places , so why should not it rheumatism ?A : That I can not say that it was only sick bastard shall not wet know !B : You are not a medical student , the course does not know. Let me tell you , it is because the body contains a bastard rheumatoid antibodies ! We just put this antibody extracted, made a " Zhuiming revive Dan " , this time you get the point ?A : Oh ! I lived most of my life , the son of a bitch is a bad thing you know , I did not expect so much useless these days bastard !B : You're right , it is very useful to big !A : On your flyer reads: "first free testing , after the medicine ." Detection of places where you?B : Oh ! I'm detection division, right here.A : Are you ?B : how , do not believe me , I'm a regular medical school , ah , did not see my eyes so big right degree , are learning to learn ah !A : I do not do not believe you, but you do not have glasses, how to detect it?B : I'm very skilled medical care which , no glasses does not matter, which sell drugs bear , I was talking about early medicine, early health ! So dark and dreary yet !A : All right ! It started , how check it?B : We examined three aspects , and then give you a diagnosis. You listen to me on the line !A : OK ! All listen to you.B : I will start with a drop of blood collected on your ears , look at your blood viscosity ! ( B touched the drawer and took out a plate, and a knife ) stretched over the ear !A : ( mouth constantly muttering ) I do not grasp. . . . . . Does not seem to grasp. . . . . .B : Do not panic !A : fool can not nervous , take my blood and not take you ! ( A slowly stretched his head , grabbed his hand touched a B ears )B : I'm going to blood , ah , do not move ! ( Only to hear , yeah ! Bang , A is B 's ears cut a long hole , the blood continued to flow out )A : Doctor, I just got it wrong now ! You're picking a drop of blood or the blood of a pound ah !B : I do not have to tell you do not move you, what you always shiver Yeah !A : For you this look, everyone was shaking !B : OK ! Enough blood , and quickly medication cloth, cover your ears , ( A took drugs cloth covered his mouth and ears residence not say )A : What blood enough, I have to see more !B : Now you knelt on the bed to support his hands , head and rushed west. After reading the blood viscosity, I'll give you the last second detection .A : ( slowly over to the bed to himself :) This hurts my ears , what Chong Dong , Chong West . Really not a thing !B : ( After a while , B groping came to bed, feeling a butt says ) raised his point ! ( A lift up the buttocks lift ) this old man with so large a mask doing it , face a big enough ! The masks win !A : masks ? I did not wear masks wow , your doctor made a mistake ! That was my butt , head over here where !B : You see you, I will not tell you head west punch you, how do you put the red ass West it! ( B touched a head, by a few A's cervical spine, for a say ) You say now , ah !A : ( A said in a trembling voice ) ah !B : ( B fiercely say a ) too serious !A : ( A asks the doctor Road ) doctor , rheumatism does not seem so check it ?B : Listen to my right ! Come on down .A : ( A bed slowly down his mouth and said ) not wrong with it , face and buttocks are hard to tell !B : Come here , I'll give you Baba Mai . Outstretched left hand !A : Doctor, I left not.B : I said the line on the line, should the left hand. You heard Nanzuonvyou you ! ( A , no way out his left arm , B , while the vein while asked ) you rheumatoid many years ?A : Oh , my rheumatism must be very old ! Very young my mother said I have rheumatism, wind and rain my leg was so painful that way ! The older , the more serious this sick!B : Oh , OK, just checking through , and through me on your pulse, I already know the condition of your friends !A : I diagnose what is Shabing ah ?B : With my years of experience , as well as the length of time you get sick , I can conclude that you have the typical " congenital postpartum rheumatism " !A : ah ! From my point of view that you context it?B : Your context is very smooth , and quickly take " Zhuiming revive Dan " it ! Guarantee that you will not hurt !A : What if it hurts ?B : Then you can continue to eat , guaranteed! One day the pain will slowly disappear !A : I understand, you are said to have died on It does not hurt anymore !B : What is this nonsense !A : Doctor , you're worthy of geniuses , I too admire you, you have given me to feel the pulse of a prosthetic arm ! ( A turned to go out, her lips to say ) can extract the son of a bitch in anything good ! I see you and your drugs are the same, are extracted from the son of a bitch coming out !B : old comrades ! I'm not finished yet. . . . . . !中文前面的看评论。评论接着这：什么，《追命还魂丹》的药，能治疗：“骨质增生类风湿，什么五脏六腑还能治爱滋”想买点试试。找了大半天，根据地址，卖药的地方就是这了！（甲慢慢的推门进屋，看见，乙正趴在地上摸东西，老汉眼花，没看清楚是个啥东西便说道）甲：这卖药的地方养条狗干嘛呀！天哪！这是什么品种啊！个头还不小！（这时，乙向甲爬过来，甲照着乙的屁股就是一脚大声喊道）去，咬我踢死你！乙：哎呀！是谁在踢我！甲：妈呀！你看我这眼神，这不是人吗！（急忙道歉）实在对不起！我这眼神不好，看啥都一片一片的。错把你当成那玩意了！乙：（慢慢站起身）你是干什么的？甲：我是风湿病患者到这买药的，你是《追命还魂丹》厂家的代理吧？乙：（乙一听是来买药的心想，买卖来了，忙笑着回答）对！老同志来我们找凳子坐下来说话（乙摸索着找到凳子坐了下来）乙：过来坐老同志！（甲也找凳子坐了下来）甲：刚才你趴在地上干啥呢？整的我还以为你要咬我呢！乙：哦！全是误会这不是吗，我近视眼，刚才我的眼镜放哪找不到了，没有眼镜我和瞎子差不多，刚才是在摸眼镜哪。甲：哦！你瞎的比我还厉害，怎么这就里就你一个人？乙：还有一个，下去找患者拍广告去了。人越少开销越小嘛！甲：哦！天天下午播。那些患者都说这药神！也不知道，这药到底好不好使！乙：这下你可来对了，我给你讲讲药理吧！甲：那你就说说吧。乙：你知道《追命还魂丹》这药，是怎么制成的吗？甲：不知道。乙：告诉你吧，《追命还魂丹》这药哇，是从甲鱼蛋里提炼出来的！甲：甲鱼蛋？乙：就是老百姓所说的王八。甲：哦！懂了，你这药是从王八蛋里提炼出来的！对吧？乙：差不多可以这么说！甲：这王八蛋里能有啥好东西啊？乙：那我先问你：这王八的寿命长不长？甲：长！千年王八吗！乙：你再想一想，王八经常在水里生活，那么潮湿的地方，它为啥不得风湿病？甲：这我可说不好，它得不得湿病只有王八才知道！乙：你不是学医地，当然不知道了。告诉你吧，就是因为王八的体内含有一种风湿抗体！我们就是把这种抗体提炼出来，制成了《追命还魂丹》，这回你明白了吧？甲：哦！我活了大半辈子了，就知道王八蛋是个坏东西，没想到这年头王八蛋用处这么大！乙：你说对了，用处大的很呢！甲：你们的传单上写着：“先免费检测，后买药”。检测的地方在哪呀？乙：哦！我就是检测师，就在这里。甲：你？乙：怎么，还不相信我，我可是正规医学院毕业的啊，没看见我眼睛的度数这么大吗，都是学习学的啊！甲：我不是不相信你，可你没有眼镜，怎么检测呀？乙：我医疗技术精湛的很哪，没有眼镜也没有关系，卖药要紧哪，我是说呀，早吃药，早健康！免得夜长梦多吗！甲：好吧！那就开始吧，怎么检呢？乙：我们检测三个方面，然后给你一个诊断结果。你听我的就行了！甲：行！全听你的。乙：我先从你耳朵上采一滴血，看看你的血粘稠度！（乙摸着从抽屉里拿出一个盘，和一把小刀）把耳朵伸过来！甲：（嘴里不断的嘟囔）我看不把握。。。。。。好像不把握。。。。。。乙：别紧张！甲：傻子才能不紧张，取我的血又不是取你的！（甲慢慢的把头伸过去，乙用手摸着拽住了甲的耳朵）乙：我可要采血了啊，别动！（只听见，呀！的一声，甲的耳朵被乙割开了一个长口子，血不断地流出来）甲：大夫，刚才是我听错了吧！你是采一滴血，还是一斤血呀！乙：我不都告诉你别动了吗，你老哆嗦什么呀！甲：就你这眼神，谁都得哆嗦！乙：行了！血够了，赶紧用药布，把耳朵捂住，（甲接过药布捂住了耳朵嘴里还不住地说）甲：什么血够了，我看都多了！乙：现在你跪到床上去双手支撑，头冲西。看完血粘稠度，我再过去给你检测第二项。甲：（慢慢走到床边自语道：）我耳朵这个疼，什么冲东，冲西的。真不是个东西！乙：（过了一会，乙摸索着来到了床前，摸着甲的屁股说道）抬起点！（甲把臀部向上抬了抬）这老头带这么大一个口罩干嘛呀，脸也够大的了！把口罩拿下来！甲：口罩？我没带口罩哇，大夫你搞错了！那是我屁股，脑袋在这边哪！乙：你看你，我不告诉你头冲西吗，你怎么把屁股冲西啦！（乙摸到甲的头部，按了几下甲的颈椎，对甲说）你现在说，啊！甲：（甲用颤抖的声音说）啊！乙：（乙狠狠的说了一句）太严重了！甲：（甲问大夫道）大夫，风湿病好像不是这么检查吧？乙：听我的没错！下来吧。甲：（甲从床上慢慢下来嘴里说道）还没错呢，脸和屁股都分不清！乙：到这来，我给你把把脉。把左手伸过来！甲：大夫，我左手不行。乙：我说行就行，就要左手。你没听说过男左女右吗！（甲，没办法伸出了左胳膊，乙，一边号脉一边问道）你风湿多少年了？甲：哎呀，我这风湿病可有年头了！很小的时候我母亲就说我有风湿病，刮风下雨我这腿疼的厉害呀！年龄越大这病就越严重了！乙：哦，行了，通过刚才的检查，再通过我对你的把脉，我已经了解了你的病情啦！甲：那我诊断究竟是啥病啊？乙：凭我多年经验，以及你得病时间的长短，我可以断定你得的是典型的，“先天性产后风湿”！甲：啊！那你从我的脉络上看呢？乙：你的脉络很不平稳，赶紧服用《追命还魂丹》吧！保证你不会再疼了！甲：那要是还疼呢？乙：那你就继续吃，保证！总有一天疼痛会慢慢消失！甲：我明白了，你是说死了就不疼了！乙：这是什么话！甲：大夫，你真不愧神医，我太佩服你了，刚才你给我把脉的胳膊是假肢！（甲转身往外走，嘴里不住的说）王八蛋里能提炼出什么好东西！我看你和你的药品都一样，都是从王八蛋里提炼出来的！乙：老同志！我还没说完呢。。。。。。！