英语搞笑故事300字

a pig eat a shit said:"dilicious"

Travel Expenses A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan. The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there. Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?" The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for 15 bucks?"

He Won Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself. Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen? Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won. 他赢了 汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？ 约翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了伤。 汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？ 约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。 I Have His Ear in My Pocket Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?" "A kid bit me," replied Ivan. "Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother. "I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket." 他的耳朵在我衣兜里 伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？” “一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。 “再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。 “他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。” A Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?" "I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered. "You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?" "She is the one who sells the candy." 好孩子 小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。 “昨天给你的钱干什么了？” “我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？” “她是个卖糖果的。” Drunk One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk." "But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!" 醉酒 一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！” Hospitality The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy. 好客 由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。 英语小笑话 上个星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 一个老美看到就笑我说, "Do you know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著 性, 缩写正好是 Adidas) " 我正惊讶他怎么反应这么快, 联想力这么丰富时,旁边的 一个老美帮我解围, 他说, 有一个很著名的合唱团 Korn, 他们的招牌歌之一就是 A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,这个典故可是很多老美都耳熟 能详的喔! 下次就换你去取笑老美了.

One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk." "But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！”

onestudentaskedanother，"howaeryouEnglishlessonscomingalong?""Fine.Iusedtobeonewhocloundn'tunderstandtheEnglishmen,andnowit'stheEnglishmenwhocan'tunderstandme."一位学生问另一位：“你的英语最近学的怎么样了？”“很好，我过去不懂英国人讲话，现在是英国人不懂我我讲话了哦。”StudentA：Whendopeopletalkleast?人们在什么时候说话最短？StudentB：Infebruary.在2月。StudentA：Why?为什么？StudentB：BeacuaseFebruaryisthestudentmonthofayear因为2月事一年中最短的一个月。

1, An Actor and a ClergymanAt a banquet honoring a leading actor, the actor was asked to recite something for the pleasure of his guests. He consented and asked if there was anything special that anyone in the audience would like to hear.After a moment’s pause, an old clergyman asked, “ Could you, sir, recite the Twenty-third Psalm?”The actor was puzzled but agreed to this request upon one condition, that after he had recited it, that the clergyman do the same.Initially, the clergyman protested, arguing that he was not an elocutionist. However, seeing that this was the only way the actor would grant his request, he finally agreed.The actor began the psalm, holding the audience spellbound from start to finish – after which there was a great burst of applause from the guests. Then it was the clergyman’s turn. The psalm was recited, and when it was done, there was not a single ripple of applause from the audience, but every guest had their head bowed and not one was dried eyed.The actor then put his hand on the shoulder of the old clergyman, and with a trembling voice exclaimed, “ I reached your eyes and ears, my friends; this man reached your hearts. I know the Twenty-third Psalm; this man knows the Shepherd.”演员和牧师在表彰一位主要演员的宴会上，大家要求那演员朗诵一个，给来宾助兴。他接受了要求，并问听众中是否有人要听什么特殊的东西。静场一会儿之后，一位上了年纪的牧师问：“先生， 您能朗诵诗篇第23篇吗？”演员有点茫然，但是同意了这个请求，不过有个条件，在他朗诵之后，牧师也要朗诵。起初，牧师不同意，说自己不会朗诵。不过，他看到只有照办，演员才会同意他的请求时，还是答应了下来。演员朗诵起诗篇，自始至终让听众入迷。朗诵结束后，宾客中响起一阵哗哗的掌声。随后，轮到牧师了。诗篇声响起又落下，听众中鸦雀无声，但是每个客人都低着头，两眼湿湿的。这时，演员把手放在老牧师的肩膀上，声音颤抖地高声说：“我只触及诸位的双眼和双耳，这位先生触动了诸位的心。我只知道诗篇第23篇，这位先生了解我们的牧人。” 2.Many years ago in the city of Hamburg, the saintly philosopher Moses Mendelssohn fell in love with a charming woman named Fruntje. He approached her father, Guggenheim, to inform him of his love for her. Guggenheim, referring to Mendelssohn’s hunch back, the result of a curvature of the spine, replied “Well, you are philosopher and a wise man, so you will not take amiss. The girl said she became frightened when she saw you because of your appearance.”许多年以前，在汉堡，神学哲学家Moses Mendelssohn爱上了一个名叫Fruntje的妩媚女子。他拜见了对方的父亲Guggenheim，倾诉了对他女儿的爱意。Guggenheim看着Mendlessohn由脊椎弯曲造成的驼背 ，回答说：“呃，您是哲学家，聪明人，您不会误解。我的女孩说过，她看到您的外貌就害怕。”This did not surprise Mendelssohn, and he immediately asked to speak with Fruntje. Although she avoided looking at him throughout the conversation, Mendelssohn was able to lead the conversation to the subject that was on his mind. Timidly, Fruntje asked if he too, believed in marriages that were made in heaven. Mendelssohn said that yes he did, and then went on to relate an unusual story: “As you know, they call out in Heaven at the birth of a boy, ‘This one will get that girl for a wife.’ When I was born, my future wife was also thus announced, but it was added, ‘She will, alas, have a terrible bump.’ I shouted, ‘Oh, Lord, a girl who is humpbacked will very easily become bitter and hard. A girl should be beautiful. Good Lord, give the hump to me, and let her be handsome and well formed!”Mendelssohn对此并不惊讶。他马上提出要和Fruntje谈谈。Fruntje在交谈时目光始终没有落在Mendelssohn身上，然而Mendelssohn却把谈话引到了心里要说的话题。Fruntje问他是否相信婚姻天缔，Mendelssohn说他相信，接着又说了一个离奇的故事：“你知道，男孩出生时，天上会有人高声说，‘这个男孩要娶那个女孩为妻。’在我出生时，他们也这样宣布我的未婚妻，但是还加了一句，‘唉，她的背驼得厉害。’我叫了起来，‘啊，主呀，女孩驼背生活自然痛苦艰难。女孩可应当漂漂亮亮。善良的主呀，就让我驼背，让她美丽出众、身材匀称吧！”Fruntje immediately accepted his proposal and soon became the faithful and devoted wife of Mendelssohn.Fruntje立刻接受了求婚，不久就成了Mendelssohn的忠实尽心的妻子。