搞笑的小品英文

有两个，第二个可能有点长。一：羊肉串和纳税人（英文小品）Characters: Mr. Shi, Xiaofu, Dabao Mr. Shi: Tax is the major source of the fiscal revenue. There is an evident change about the relationship between the tax collector and taxpayer in the past 20 years. Now, the tax collector, Xiaofu, and the tax payer Dabao, a vendor selling Yangrouchuan will show you the very change. The first Act happened in 1980s. Act I (in Bazaar of Beijing, sanlihe, 1980s) Dabao: Yangrouchuan , yangrouchuan, eaten one ,want nine, eaten one, want nine. Hi, Take my yangrouchuan.(slipped, take it up, ) Xiaofu: Tax! Pay the tax! Dabao: (change faces) Taxi? Where is the taxi? Here’s no taxi. Xiaofu: Tax! T---A ---X! Dabao: What’s the tax? I just know taxi! Do you want me to call a taxi for you? Taxi----! Taxi----! Xiaofu: Enough! Are you the vendor? Dabao: No , No, No, no! I 'm just have a look. The vendor has gone to the toilet. Xiaofu: Not the vendor ? Impossible! you 've been here for 2 hours. Dabao: Really ? (Xiaofu: Yes, of course.) How do you know it? Xiaofu: The window of my office is open to here and I 've been looking at you for two hours. Dabao: It’s a big bug! Xiaofu: Oh. Don’t waste my time! Please pay the tax---- 10 Yuan! Dabao: 10 yuan?! My god. I had just earned 20 Yuan one day! 5 Yuan, ok? Xiaofu: Don't cheat me, you've sold more than 2 hundred ones. Dabao: 6yuan, my dear sisiter. 7Yuan, my lovely beauty. Dabao: Not for you ,not for me, let's split the difference. 8 yuan ,ok ? Xiaofu: (looking around) All right ,a deal. But no receipt. (Dabao payed 8 yuan and Xiaofu left) Dabao: What a smart woman! Bad luck! I’m bankrupt. I have to change my place. Hope I would not meet her any more! Let’s go! Act II Mr. Shi: The next scene happened in new century. China had been marching in the way of the market economy for twenty years more, in the new era of building the well-off society in an all-round way, how do the vendor regard tax as and how is the tax collected? The scene will tell you. Let’s enjoy it! (In the market; Dabao in white clothes ,a board with "NO SARS") Dabao:: Yangrouchuan, yangrouchuan. Eaten one, want nine. Eaten one, want nine. Xiaofu: Hi, Dabao: Hi. Two: What a familiar face. Two: It’s you! Dabao: 10 years past, you are a still a tax collector. Xiaofu: 10 years past, you still sell Yangrouchuan. How is your business? Dabao: Everything is OK! 10 years past, you are still beautiful lady in Sanlihe of Beijing. Xiaofu: 10 years past, you and your Yangrouchuan look more clean than 20 years before. Dabao: Thank you. No SARS, no dirtiness; Serve people, serve me. Xiaofu: Great! Have you…… Dabao: Married? I ‘m not married; I’m still single. Xiaofu: Have you claimed your tax this month? Dabao: What? Taxi? Oh, tax! Of course. I should pay the tax of 50 Yuan this month and I have claimed at the begin of this month. Xioafu: Your receipt, please. Dabao: (shows the receipt ) Here you are, I have paid my tax in the tax service center by computer. Xiaofu: Great! What a good taxpayer you are. Dabao: Thank you. It is my duty. I’m proud of myself to pay the tax for our country. Xiaofu: Yeah! The tax you paid is a share of our country’s economy, and you do a lot for Olympics of Beijing! Dabao: Let’s do it together! . It’s said that, Don't ask what your country can do for you but ask what you can do for your country. Just like me, sell Yangrouchuan, and pay the Tax for ten years more. Xiaofu: You 're the loveliest people in new century! Dabao: Thank you! And you 're the loveliest tax collector in new era! X: Excuse me, and I have to go now. Bye-bye. D: A moment, are you free tomorrow evening? Could I have a dinner with you? Xiaofu: Well, may I have the company of my husband? Dabao: No, no, no problem. 6 o’clock in the evening, Beichuanyuan, ok? Xiaofu: just a kidding. I have to go home now.(leaves) Dabao, See you tomorrow. Dabao: Hope to see you everyday. 二： People: small people living with HIV, Xiao Wu, Xiao ling, the teacher: classrooms: Xiao Ling sleep lying on the table. Xiaoai next to lost books, went out. Xiao Wu Jin, sat on the location of small people living with HIV. Xiaoai (come in): well, young man, is puzzling, isn't it funny, can't you see, that I have! Xiao Wu: be conscientious and meticulous, maoshimao, actually I older than you! Xiaoai: I early in the morning came, at first glance didn't see you? Xiao Wu: I saw last night. Xiaoai: last row is my patent! To it, I got out of bed early every day, Rob broken head, blood of DC, this position cannot be lost! Xiao Wu: the last row is my pride, treasured place here is very. As I drove from the (xiaoai:--keep trying? ) Advised the sooner you leave it at that! Xiao Ling woke up: noisy noisy noisy? Early morning so Holy quarrel in the classroom, a waste of life! Do you know you've made some errors? Ah? Xiaoai: Yes. Xiao Wu: we are not noisy. Xiao Ling: you most unforgivable--woke me up! Xiaoai sitting in front of Ling. Xiaoai: last, also is developing style. Dude, examination according to my point! Xiao Wu: Ah? Test today? Xiao Ling: not? My hands are numb! Xiaoai: Oh? Xiao Wu: sleeps, right? Ling: no! Little tired! Xiaoai: Hey, think I have a night light to toss wet rendering most of the night! Xiao Wu: uh, strenuous learning? Xiao Ling: you hit the grass? Xiaoai: Yeah, I'm thinking about examination policy! Xiao Wu, Xiao Ling get past: think of what? Small AI laughing: tell you that this trick must have! Xiao Wu, Siu-ling: come on! Xiaoai: according to the book copy--(pick up) Xiao Ling: die! Xiao Wu: it's a good idea! I did not expect it? Xiao Ling: come on. You also known as silver bullets? Well, in order to ease the tense atmosphere, debut humorous puzzles that I gave you. Xiaoai, Xiao Wu secretarial 114 copyright all to ignore her. Xiao Ling: say, exam answers a few steps? Xiaoai, Xiao Wu get past: a few steps? Xiao Ling: a three-step! The first step: write their names. (Two nods) the second step: go over the topic! (Two nods) step three:--hand rolls!The little moxa: draw oh!Small five: who ah?Linda: I'll give you a problem; say, today's exam, who is not here?The little moxa: exam today who can not come? Xiaoling?Xiao Ling: I'm not in it!Elwin: have a look around, small five?Small five: here!The little moxa: ah! I know -- i!Wu: you are white! Come with no is not a result!Xiaoling: answer, the teacher! Hasn't come in yet!The teacher came in.Three people jump: is it? How to say not to come? Oh dear. (loud)Teacher: what? The toad came in?Three people laugh.Teacher: hard! This exam! A little occupation ethics are not! What is most important in this year? -- fraction! Points, your life! (GRIN) exam, our magic!The little moxa: copy copy, our unique skill!Teacher: quick roll! The exam will not come early, it all the time! Exam began half an hour! Where did you go?Hair volume.Teacher: the examination time for two hours! Not more than a hour forbid you! Want to answer please pick up the pen, do not want to answer please rest. Want to go to the toilet classmates -- please constraint yourself!G: I have a good teacher ratio,He is looking for the cat -- mouse when the escort unreasonable demands!Xiaoling! He is the legendary rapper, or mouth can mutter said not finished?Teacher: quiet! You are quiet than tree! Don't know how you made a serious mistake? Weight than the sea!Three people open the copy.Teacher: (a little) the students please don't copy!Xiao Wu, Xiao Ling: I didn't copy!The teacher walked into the little moxa: classmate, don't copy!The little moxa: how do you know? I put on the desk copy!Teacher: your table in front of the plate away, I saw!The little moxa: (looking) oh! Tough luck!The teacher confiscated the little moxa roll, Ai Gang want to stand up and walk.Teacher: sit down! No less than an hour out!The teacher walked to the next small Wu, small Wu roll of paper to table to copy.Teacher: Okay, don't pretend!Most despise you take these books of cheating, a are not technical content.Did you copy? Like this? Like this?Small five: low and then low!Teacher: (to confiscate the small roll) you will sit self-reflection, why take a Book cheat?Wu: don't want to take the book! Who let I didn't like her (Ling) as a good grass!The small Ling stared at wu.Teacher: that's right, next time remember to grass! I love this hard-working child.Teacher: a point! Hand in.> good roll.Teacher: good. Remember the afternoon to consider the high number of! (next)The little moxa: ah! Also in the afternoon high?Xiaoling: ah!! In the afternoon the high number of! (pick up grass) just what?Small five: high...... Number?! What is that tree?Three people: a study of how to play under the grass!The teacher came in (the teacher plays the one dress).The little moxa: LanguageThe teacher!Teacher: what, how do you write a composition! (rolls to the little moxa)G: what?Teacher: you read.The little moxa: "my teacher", my teacher has an oval face......Teacher: wait, (took out a big sign, write claw) is this your face melon? You write is my teacher has a paw face!Elwin: teacher, paws face and face, can't do it?Teacher: you read.The little moxa: my teacher looks really beautiful, really beautiful, really beautiful, really beautiful, really beautiful, really beautiful......Teacher: stop! You write so many really beautiful? It has come to the end!Elwin: teacher, writing is not a requirement of not less than 500 words?Teacher: you only Portrait beautiful?The little moxa: not required to write one's real feelings? This is all my emotions!Teacher: hum, tell you, you are only 496 words!The little moxa: oh! Then added: really beautiful ah!Teacher: you have a look your translations, touch the Huai died you how to translate?The little moxa: find old locust tree hanged herself!Teacher: why is the old tree? You see you explain words, explain the death, you should write to die!G: Oh, I wanted to write!Teacher: (face) you, you hang up again!The little moxa: give me a chance! I have repaired five times!Teacher: OK, I'll give you a chance. Heard of blister Ding cattle, do a job with skill and ease? You do a job with skill and ease to make a sentence, I will give you the!Elwin: -- -- -- fish swim blade?! Fish...... The fish, the fish swim in the water, the fish swims......Teacher: (laughing) congratulations, get --The little moxa: too?Teacher: (cold) rebuilt sixth times opportunity. (next)Xiao Ling, Xiao Wu: Oh, come on high grass.The teacher came in.Small five: Philosophy teacher!Teacher: Xiao wu!Small five!Teacher: you have a look of rolls of paper!My question is: that is the question, please answer.How do you answer?Small five: This is the answer, please give points...... No.?Teacher: you call this problem?Teacher: you -- well, the next,Questions: what is courage, why didn't you answer?Wu: my answer!Teacher: write five words!Small five: (reading) this is the courage! You 're right. And then I didn't answer the following question paper, I put it the courage to explain!Teacher: you -- you hanging!Small five: the teacher! Give me a chance! I hung up the fifteen!Teacher: let me ask you two questions. See you good luck......Small five: two -- too much!Teacher: Well, the first question to answer! Second questions you don't answer I will let you live, how much hair do you have?Small five: if I were a good.Teacher: ah!Small five: 123456789!Teacher: how do you know?Small five: the teacher, second questions I can't answer!Teacher: good! Very nice. Nicely done. Take (handed a piece of paper)Small five: This is --Teacher: restoration of single! (next)Xiaoling, Elwin: come on high --The teacher came in.Xiaoling: English teacher! (to run)Teacher: Xiao Ling, run what? Did not eat breakfast!Xiaoling: don't eat --Teacher: I saw your morning meal!Xiaoling: -- tomorrow's breakfast!Teacher: Xiao Ling, have a look the rolls of paper, you that reading comprehension is no one to! You is it right? Don't read directly see the problem?Xiaoling: not!Teacher: also dare excuses!Xiao Ling: I did not see even the subject, direct look at the answer selected!Teacher: and your composition! How familiar?Xiaoling: can't look familiar? Reading the first sentence of each paragraph the words together......Teacher: Xiao Ling, you should know! You this --Xiaoling: ah! The teacher, I have five, fifteen, no, fifty times! Don't hang up!Teacher: it's not that I don't give you...... This...... For example, you can translate the eveningdre is what mean?(to the audience) is the evening dress!Xiao Ling looking at g, wu.The little moxa: evening is the night, the most suitable for the big game!Small five: dre is mm total clamoring to buy clothes!Xiaoling: oh! Teacher, I know! It is nocturnal clothing!The teacher shook his head. (next)Xiaoling: No, I have to find a teacher to! The two of you study it slowly! (next)G: Well, the grass play may not be useful, I also go.Small five: how do? Hand in a blank examination paper?Elwin: of course not draw back, I went to one of the most difficult question now, then write in the volume of paper, themselves out your answer! (next)Small five: personality. (just wanna go)The teacher came in.Small five: the teacher in charge!Teacher: Xiao Wu, I talk to you.Small five: ah!Teacher: test last time this question asked: this response is what principle? What's your answer?Small five: -- physical principle.Teacher: so the answer?Small five: don't...... Is the chemical principle?Teacher: Xiao Wu! You're so it can do? Why don't love learning?Small five: -- don't like my major!Teacher: ring? You know that ring is stem what?Small five: sanitation workers.Teacher: environmental engineering!Wu: Oh? Then I graduated to do?Teacher. Environmental sanitation worker.Small five: heard that the sewage treatment.Teacher: (excited) who said that the sewage treatment? -- also air pollution!Small five: how to control the atmosphere?Teacher: I don't understand this! I teach water pollution treatment!Small five: or wastewater treatment.Teacher: your mother see your summer results?Small five: see. Secretarial copyright 114Teacher: really? You send?Small five: of course I send!Teacher: what your mother told you?Small five: my mom said to send what idle school transcript?Teacher. You go.Small five: can't go.Teacher: why?Wu: no curtain call!Four with the curtain call.（谢幕）

一秒钟与一百万A Second and A Million Dollars A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second" 一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."