5个搞笑英语小笑话

.The Doctor Knows Better A man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital. His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill." "I am afraid that he is dead."said the doctor, Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I'm not dead. I'm still alive." "Be quiet, "said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!" 医生懂得多 一个男人在街上被出租车撞倒送进了医院.他的妻子站在他的床前对医生说:"我想他伤得很厉害."医生说:"我怕他已经死了."听到医生的话,这个男人转动着头说:"我没死,我还活着."妻子说:"安静,医生比你懂得多."2.A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second" 一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."

搞笑的英语小笑话1：I Wasn't Asleep When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: "Wake up, sir!" "I wasn't asleep," the man answered. "Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed." "I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car." 我没有睡着 当一群妇女上车之后，车上的座位全都被占满了。售票员注意到一名男子好象是睡着了，他担心这个人会坐过站，就用肘轻轻地碰了碰他，说：“先生，醒醒!” “我没有睡着。”那个男人回答。 “没睡着?可是你眼睛都闭上了呀?” “我知道，我只是不愿意看到在拥挤的车上有女士站在我身边而已。” 搞笑的英语小笑话2：The poor husband "You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend. "She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong. 可怜的丈夫 “你根本无法想象和我妻子打交道是多么的难，”一个男人对他的朋友诉苦说，“她问我一个问题，然后自己回答了，过后又花半个小时跟我解释为什么我的答案是错的。” Who's More Polite? A fat man and a skinny man were arguing about who was the more polite. The skinny man said he was more polite because he always tipped his hat to ladies. But the fat man knew he was more courteous because, whenever he got up and offered his seat, two ladies could sit down. 谁更有礼貌? 一个胖子和一个瘦子在争论谁更有礼貌。瘦子说他更有礼貌，因为他经常对女士摘帽示意。但是胖子认为他更有风度，因为无论什么时候他在车上给别人让座时，总有两位女士能坐下。 搞笑的英语小笑话3：Let Dog in Hotel A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?" An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too." 一个人给一家他计划在假期里停留的小旅馆写了封信，“我非常希望带着我的狗，它很干净很有教养，你能允许它和我睡一间屋子吗?” 旅馆主人立即回了封信，“我经营旅馆很多年了，狗从没偷过毛巾，床单， 餐具，或者墙上的画。我也从没有在半夜因为狗喝醉胡闹而赶走它，狗也从不不付帐就跑掉。实际上我们非常欢迎您的狗来我们旅馆，如果它为您担保，也欢迎您来。 搞笑的英语小笑话4：Intelligent son One day, the father lets eight year-old son send a letter, the son took the letter , the father then remembered didn't write the address and addressee's name on the envelope. After the son comes back, the father asks him: "You have thrown the letter in the mail box?" "Certainly" "You have not seen on the envelope not to write the address and the addressee name?" "I certainly saw nothing written on the envelope." "Then why you didn't take it back?" "I also thought that you do not write the address and the addressee, is for does not want to let me know that you do send the letter to who!" 聪明的儿子 有一天,父亲让八岁的儿子去寄一封信,儿子已经拿着信跑了,父亲才想起信封上没写地址和收信人的名字。 儿子回来后,父亲问他:“你把信丢进邮筒了吗?” “当然”“你没看见信封上没有写地址和收信人名字吗?” “我当然看见信封上什么也没写”“那你为什么不拿回来呢?” “我还以为你不写地址和收信人,是为了不想让我知道你把信寄给谁呢!” 搞笑的英语小笑话5：Put your feet in The school girl was sitting with her feet streched far out into the aisle ,and was busily chewing gum, when the teacher espied her. "Mary !" called the teacher sharply. "Yes,Madam?" questioned the pupil , "Take that gum out of your mouth and put your feet in!" 把脚放进去 一个女学生坐在座位上，嘴里起劲地嚼着口香糖，脚却伸到课桌间的走道里，被老师发现了。“玛丽!”老师严厉地叫她。“什么事，老师?”这女学生问。“把口香糖从嘴里拿出来，把脚放进去。” 搞笑的英语小笑话6：I Wasn't Asleep When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: "Wake up, sir!" "I wasn't asleep," the man answered. "Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed." "I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car." 我没有睡着 当一群妇女上车之后，车上的座位全都被占满了。售票员注意到一名男子好象是睡着了，他担心这个人会坐过站，就用肘轻轻地碰了碰他，说：“先生，醒醒!” “我没有睡着。”那个男人回答。 “没睡着?可是你眼睛都闭上了呀?” “我知道，我只是不愿意看到在拥挤的车上有女士站在我身边而已。” 搞笑的英语小笑话7：The poor husband "You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend. "She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong. 可怜的丈夫 “你根本无法想象和我妻子打交道是多么的难，”一个男人对他的朋友诉苦说，“她问我一个问题，然后自己回答了，过后又花半个小时跟我解释为什么我的答案是错的。” 搞笑的英语小笑话8：Where is the father? Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings. "Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!" "Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?" The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures." 父亲在哪儿? 兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。 “看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮呀!” “是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢?” 哥哥想了会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。” 整理：zhl201612

A 17-year-old boy longed for the cycling competition. He had trained hard in his cycling club. The day came when he was to take part in the first real race. His parents went with him to the starting line, giving him the last-minute advice. Suddenly, the starting signal was given. His mother shouted, "Boy, be careful! Don't go to too fast!" 最后的忠告 一个17岁的男孩子一直盼望着参加自行车比赛，为此他一直在自行车俱乐部刻苦训练。第一次参加比赛的日子终于来了。他的父母和他一起来到起点，准备给他最后的忠告。突然，出发信号给了，他的妈妈喊道：“孩子，小心！别骑得太快了！”The doctor lives downstairs "Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me." He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs." 医生住在楼下。 “医生”她冲进屋后大声说道，“我想让你坦率地说我到底得了什么病。” 他从头到脚打量打量她，然后大声说：“太太，我有三件事要对你说。第一，您的体重需要减少大约50磅；第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口红，您的美貌将会改变。第三，我是一位画家——医生住在楼下。” 没事偷着乐 职业赌徒 During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender."I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?""Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy."Like what?" asked the bartender."Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50."I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye."Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender."That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals.After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"经济大萧条时期。有一天,有个男人走进一家酒吧,对调酒师说:“调酒师,我想为在座的所有客人每人买一杯酒。”调酒师说:“当然可以,不过现在正处于经济萧条时期,我需要先看到你带有足够的现金才行。”那人从口袋里掏出一大迭钞票放到吧台上。调酒师简直不敢相信自己的眼睛,就问:“你这些钱都是从哪儿弄来的?”“我是一个职业赌徒。”男士回答。“这不可能。我的意思是,在赌场你赢的机会最多也就五五开,不是吗?” 调酒师说。“那当然,不过我只打我必赢的赌。”男士说。“比如呢?”调酒师问道。“唔,例如,我可以和你赌50美元:我能够用自己的牙咬到自己的右眼睛。”他说。调酒师想了一下,就说:“那就来吧!”于是,那个人将他右边的假眼抠了出来,用嘴咬了一下。调酒师说声“靠!我上当了!” ,就给了他50美元。那陌生人又说道:“我会再给你一次机会的。我再和你赌50美元:我可以用我的牙咬到我的左眼。”调酒师想了想说道:“哼!你又不是盲人,我的意思是说,我可是看着你走进这个酒吧的。这一把我和你赌定了!”话刚出口,那家伙就从嘴里一把将假牙掰了下来,咬了左眼睛一下。“靠!我又上当了!”调酒师几乎是抗议地叫出声来。“这就是我赢了这么多钱的办法,小伙子!不过这次你也不用给我50元了,我只拿走一瓶威士忌就算了!”那人说道。那个人拿了酒,就来到酒吧的后房,整个晚上的大部分时间都在和当地人打牌。边喝边玩好几个小时之后,那个人又摇摇晃晃地来到吧台前,醉醺醺的样子,都快站不住了,他对调酒师说:“小伙子,我再给你最后一个机会。我和你赌500美元:我可以用一只脚站在这张吧台上撒尿,我能够把尿射到你身后酒架上的那个空瓶子里,而且保证不洒一滴到瓶子外边。”调酒师再一次认真想了想:这家伙现在就是用两只脚都站不直,更别说用一条腿了……于是说:“好!那你就开始吧。”只见那人爬到吧台上,来个金鸡独立,就开始撒尿。尿撒得到处都是:吧台上、调酒师身上和他自己身上,就是没有一滴尿到酒瓶里去。小伙子简直开心死了,大笑着说:“老兄,这次你可欠我500块钱了。”那家伙从吧台上爬了下来,说:“没问题。我刚和棋牌室里的每个人都赌了一千块钱,说我敢往你身上和吧台上撒尿,并且还能让你大笑!” -第二则： The father never let children maomao during dinner always talk. Once when having a meal, father saw maomao wanted to speak, then say to him: "kid, what you want to say?""Dad, flies delicious?" Maomao, ask."No!" Father said, "why do you ask such a thing?""You just have a dish, you to swallow it down."毛毛的父亲从不让孩子在吃饭时时说话。一次吃饭时，父亲见到毛毛很想说话的样子，便对他说：“孩子，你想说什么？”“爸爸，苍蝇好吃吗？”毛毛问。“不！”父亲说，“你干嘛问这个？”“刚才您碟子里有一只，您把它咽下去了。” 第三则：英语笑话（三） Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience. At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America." 它们是从美国直接带来的 一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久，到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台，银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票，看是否有假。 这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦，最后实在忍耐不住说：“相信我，先生，也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元，它们是从美国直接带来的。”