天才和笨蛋
又短又好笑的英语笑话
总是有些时候莫名其妙的不开心，心情不佳的时候就会办什么都不在状态，你会这样么?这里我收集整理了又短又好笑的英语笑话，让你的心情速速好起来。
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.
He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and starte.
A highly timid little man, Casper Milquetoast, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, 'Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?'
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, 'It's my dog. Why?'
'Well,' squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, 'I believe my dog just killed it, sir.'
'What?' roared the big man in disbelief. 'What in the hell kind of dog do you have?'
'Sir,' answered the little man, 'It's a four week old puppy.'
'Bull!' roared the biker, 'How could your puppy kill my Doberman?'
'It appears that he choked on it, sir.'
A teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
Little Johnny then stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
中文：
一个老师在对学生们讲心理学，“谁认为自己蠢就站起来?”她一开始就说。
小约翰尼站了起来。
“你认为你很蠢吗，小约翰尼?”老师问。
“不是的，老师，我只是不喜欢看你一个人站着。”
Smith goes to see his boss in the front office. "Boss," he says: "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage."
"We're short-handed, Smith." the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"
中文：
史密斯去找他的'老板。“老板，我们家明天有很重的工作要做，我妻子让我修阁楼和车库。”
“可我们很缺人，史密斯。”老板答道，“我不可能放你的假。”
“谢谢，老板。”史密斯说，“我就知道你会帮我。”
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."
The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."
Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash.
Dad asked, "Where is Susie?"
The little girl said, "She will be here in a minute, she ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home."
我喜欢小吃
民间笑话是一种根植于日常生活的美学形态。笑话产生于日常生活语境之中,以消遣和娱乐为目的,由普通民众创造、表演和欣赏。本文是关于超级搞笑英文笑话，希望对大家有帮助!
A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here."
"You don't understand," says the man. "This is no regular dog, he can talk."
"Listen, pal," says the bartender. "If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks."
The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What's on top of a house?"
"Roof!"
"Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?"
"Bark!"
"And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Ruth!"
"I guess you've heard enough," says the man. "I'll take the hundred in twenties."
The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before I belt you."
As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do you think I should have said 'DiMaggio'?"
Dracula decides to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. The rules were simple. The bat who drinks the most blood would be the winter. He selects his three top bats to compete.
So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family."
"Very good," says Dracula.
The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?" The bat replies, "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children."
"Impressive," Dracula replies.
Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe.
Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked.
And the bat replies. "Do you see that tower?"
Dracula replies, "Yes."
And the bat says, "Well, I didn't."
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks."
Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story? "The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eaves- dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so Idecided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm justretired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said, "How well can you do?" "Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says...
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks."
Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story? "The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eaves- dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so Idecided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm justretired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."
