爆笑学英语

英语笑话是指以一句英文短语或一个英文故事让说话者和听者之间觉得好笑,或是产生幽默感,笑话是一种经过艺术加工的语言形式,是艺术化的语言,笑话是一种艺术方法。下面是我整理的英语爆笑笑话，欢迎大家阅读!

英语笑话一：

我要做的一切就是付钱!All I do is pay

"My family is just like a nation," Mr. Brown told his colleague. "My

wife is the minister of finance, my mother-in-law is the minister of war,

and my daughter is foreign secretary."

"Sounds interesting, " his colleague replied. "And what is your

position?"

"I’m the people. All I do is pay."

布朗先生告诉同事说：“我的家简直就象一个国家一样。我妻子

是财政部长。我岳母是作战部长，我女儿是外交秘书。”

“听上去挺有意思的，”他的同事说，“那你的职务是什么呢?”

“我就是老百姓。我要做的一切就是付钱。”

英语笑话二：

喂狗 For the Dog

The family seated in a restaurant had finished their dinner when Father Called over the waiter.

"My son has left quite a lot of meat on his plate," explained Father, "Could you give me a bag so that I can take it home for the dog?"

"Gosh, Dad!" exclaimed the excited boy. "Have we got a dog then?"

一家人在饭馆里吃过晚饭，父亲把服务生叫了过来。

”先生，什么事?“服务生问。

”我儿子的盘子里剩下许多肉，“父亲说，”能给我们一个袋子吗?我把剩下的东西带回去喂狗。“

”啊呀，爸爸!“儿子激动地叫喊着。”咱家养狗了吗?“

英语笑话三：

脑移植 A Brain Transplant

The Brain Surgeon was about to perform a brain transplant.

"You have your choice of two brains," he told the patient, "For $1000 you can have the brain of a psychologist, or for $10,000 you can have the brain of a politician."

The patient was amazed at the huge difference in price. "Is the brain of a politician that much better?" he asked.

The Brain Surgeon replied, "No, it’s not better, just unused."

一个外科医生正要作一个脑移植手术。

“你可以从两个脑子中选一个给你。”医生告诉病人，“一个心理学家的大脑1000美元，一个政治家的大脑10000美元。

病人很惊讶二者之间这样大的差别，“政治家的大脑好一些吗?”他问。

医生说：“不是好一些，只是没有用过。”

英语笑话四：

不是我的错

It's not my fault

Mother (reprimanding训斥，谴责 her small daughter): You mustn't pull the cat's tail.

Daughter: I'm only holding it, Mom. The cat's doing the pulling.

不是我的错

妈妈(正教训她的女儿)：你不该拽猫的尾巴。

女儿：妈，我只是握着猫尾巴，它自己在拽。

英语笑话五：

Coins in American Currency 美国的硬币

There are 100 cents in a dollar. Coins come in the following denominations: $.01 or 1 cent (a penny,a cent, one cent), $.05 or 5 cents (a nickel, five cents),$.1 or 10 cents (a dime, ten cents), $.25 or 25 cents(a quarter, two bits, twenty-five cents), and $.50 or50 cents (a fifty-cent piece).

Coins are called "change", "small change", or"silver" though they aren’t made of silver anymore.

Coins are generally recognized by their size, butsomebody "goofed" on the dime, which is smaller than either a nickel or a penny. All the others are in size order.

One more word for you: don’t hold out your hand with either bills or coins and expect someone to take the correct change from you. That cannot be done in any Western country.一美元中有一百美分。硬币是按下列币值铸造的：一美分，五美分，十美分，二十五美分，五十美分。

硬币也叫"零钱"，"小钱"，或"银币"，虽然它们不再是用银子铸成的。总的说来，硬币是通过大小来识别的，但总有人把十美分搞错，它比五美分和一美分都要小。其他的都按币值的大小顺序排列。

还有一点要说明：你不能伸出手，托出一把纸币和硬币而希望别人从你那里拿走数目正确的零钱。这在任何西方国家都是不好的。

英语笑话六：

Now We Run 现在我们跑吧

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy’s position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow, places his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder and gives the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiles and asks, "And now what, my little man?" The boy replies, "Now we run!"

一个牧师正沿着街走路，这时他看到街对面有个小男孩正试图按一所房子的门铃。但这个小孩太小了，门铃又高，他够不着。看到那个小男孩费了很多劲，牧师走近了他。牧师优雅地穿过马路，走到小家伙的背后，轻轻地把手放在小男孩肩头，按响了门铃。他弯下身子，微笑着问道：“接下来怎么办，孩子?”小男孩回答说：“接下来我们跑。”

1.Is it a boy or a girlA: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.B: I'm not. I'm her mother.翻译：是男孩还是女孩？A:看看那个留短发和蓝色牛仔裤的年轻人。是男孩还是女孩？B：是个女孩。她是我的女儿。A:哦，对不起，先生。我不知道你是她的父亲。B：我不是。我是她的妈妈。2.Pretty uglyMary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?Peter: I think you're pretty ugly..翻译：非常丑陋的玛丽：约翰说我很漂亮。安迪说我很丑。你觉得怎么样，彼得？彼得：我觉得你很丑。3.Silent fartA man walks into the doctor's office with a serious problem."Doctor, I've had problems with silent gas emissions. At home, work, and even at church, I release tons of silent farts everywhere I go! As a matter of fact I've had three sitting here talking to you. What are we going to do?"The doctor replies:"The first thing we're going to do is check your hearing."翻译：沉默的屁：沉默的屁一个人走进医生的办公室，遇到了一个严重的问题。“医生，我在无声气体排放方面有问题。在家里，工作，甚至在教堂，我放出无数的无声屁，无论我走到哪里！事实上，我坐在这里和你谈过三次。我们该怎么办？”医生回答说：“我们要做的第一件事就是检查你的听力。”3.Pay tax with a smileA: I hate paying my income tax.B: You should be a good citizen - why don't you pay with a smile?A: I'd like to but they insist on money!翻译：A:我讨厌付所得税。B：你应该是个好公民——你为什么不微笑着付钱呢？A:我很愿意，但是他们坚持要钱！4.Take his placeAn attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor."So, what is it?" grumbled the governor."Judge Garber has just died," said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."Replied the governor, "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."翻译：代替他：取代他的位置午夜过后，一位律师打电话给州长，坚持要他跟他谈一件非常紧急的事情。一个助手最终同意唤醒州长。“那么，这是什么呢？”州长抱怨道。“Garber法官刚刚去世，”律师说，“我想接替他的位置。”州长回答说：“好吧，如果殡仪馆还好的话，我就可以了。”5.I'm SickOne day Hamid felt very sick and he went to the hospital.Nurse: Hamid, the doctor is here to see you.Hamid: Tell him, I can't see him. I'm sick.翻译：我生病了一天，哈米德感到很不舒服，他去了医院。护士：哈米德，医生来见你。哈米德：告诉他，我看不见他。我病了。向姑姑道歉爸爸：“儿子，你怎么称呼你的阿姨傻？”去跟她说声对不起。”儿子：（走到姨妈跟前）“阿姨，对不起你是个笨蛋。”6.Say sorry to auntDad: "Son, how can you call your aunt stupid? Go and say sorry to her."Son: (goes over to the aunt) "Aunt, I am sorry you are stupid."6.Undying loveGirl: Do you love me?Boy: Yes, dear.Girl: Would you die for me?Boy: No, mine is undying love.翻译：永恒的爱：永恒的爱女孩：你爱我吗？男孩：是的，亲爱的。女孩：你愿意为我而死吗？男孩：不，我的爱是永恒的扩展资料：look at看; 审视; 评判; 接受young person(14-17岁的)未成年人; 少年short hair短头发blue jeans蓝色斜纹布裤子，牛仔裤do you你愿意吗fart<讳>放屁; 讨厌的人; 令人厌烦的人; 蠢人walks步态( walk的名词复数 ); 人行道; 步行的路径; 走，步行，散步( walk的第三人称单数 ); 出现; 陪伴…走; 徒步旅行'vehave 的缩略形式At home在家; 在国内; 在家接待客人; 精通and even乃至

We are grazing ,the sheep in the next field. 我们在吃草，羊在旁边的地里。

英语中的逗号作用大着了。 1)As is known to everybody, the moon travels round the earth once every week。

=It is known to everybody that the moon travels round the earth once every week。 2)I send you 100 dollars today, the rest to follow in a year. =I send you 100 dollars today, and the rest will follow in a year.。

老妈叫我翻译！！！（超强爆笑）

今天我正在看碟，老妈又捧了本书进来，说道：给我讲讲这几句话什么意思

老妈：这个“i don't know.“是什么意思？

我说：“我不知道”

老妈：送你上大学上了几年，你怎么什么都不知道！！

我说：不是！就是“我不知道”吗！

老妈：还嘴硬！！！！$@%！#$^&%#$%@$%@#$%！^%^！^%$^#&..（一顿爆揍）

老妈：你在给我说说这个。“i know.“是什么意思你该知道吧，给我说说。

我说：是“我知道“

老妈：知道就快说。

我说：就是“我知道“

老妈：找茬呀你？刚才收拾你收拾的轻了是不？

我说：就是我知道呀！

老妈：知道你还不说！！不懂不要装懂！&*$%^@$#！%$@^%#*$^^^##$%（又一顿爆揍）

老妈：你给我小心点，花那么多钱送你上大学，搞的现在什么都不会，会那么一丁点东西还跟老娘摆谱，再问你最后一个，你给我好好解释一下，说不出来我在收拾你，你给我翻译一下“i know but i don't want to tell you.“是什么意思？

我晕倒，拿起枕头往头上爆砸三十几下，用头撞墙四十多下，双手轮番抽自己嘴巴五十多下，用腿踢桌子角六十多下，血肉模糊之时，我问老妈：这下你满意吧

这不她老人家又来问我了：“儿啊，i`m very annoyance,don`t tuouble me .是什么意思啊~？“

我：“我很烦，别烦我“

老妈：“找打，跟你妈这么说话“（于是被扁）

老妈又问；“i hear nothing,repeat. 是what意思啊“

我说：“我没听清，再说一次“

老妈又说了一遍：i hear nothing,repeat“

“我没听清，再说一次“

结果被扁

老妈再问：“what do you say “又怎么解释呢“

我说：“你说什么“（再次被扁）

老妈再问：“look up in the dictionary“是何意啊'

我说：“查字典“

“查字典我还问你做甚“（被扁）

老妈又问：you had better ask some body.怎么翻呢“

我说：“你最好问别人“

“你是我儿子，我问别人干吗，又找打.“

“啊！god save me !“

“上帝救救我吧！”

“耍你老妈玩，上帝也救不了你！（被扁）

我再问你：“use you head,then think it over，又是什么意思啊！“

我说：“动动脑子，再仔细想想.“

“臭小子，还敢耍我“接着又要动手

我连忙说：“是世上只有妈妈好的意思”

“嗯，这还差不多，一会我给你做好吃的，明天再问你”

A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"。

Who's More Polite? A fat man and a skinny man were arguing about who was the more polite。

The skinny man said he was more polite because he always tipped his hat to ladies。 But the fat man knew he was more courteous because, whenever he got up and offered his seat, two ladies could sit down。

谁更有礼貌？ 一个胖子和一个瘦子在争论谁更有礼貌。 瘦子说他更有礼貌，因为他经常对女士摘帽示意。

但是胖子认为他更有风度，因为无论什么时候他在车上给别人让座时，总有两位女士能坐下。 Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea? A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys。

猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢？你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤，而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。

这个答案很有意思吧？。

Moneyisnoteverything.There'sMastercard&Visa.

钞票不是万能的，有时还需要信用卡。

Oneshouldloveanimals.Theyaresotasty.

每个人都应该热爱动物，因为它们很好吃。

Savewater.Showerwithyourgirlfriend.

要节约用水，尽量和女友一起洗澡。

Lovetheneighbor.Butdon'tgetcaught.

要用心去爱你的邻居，不过不要让她的老公知道。

Behindeverysuccessfulman,thereisawoman.Andbehindeveryunsuccessfulman,therearetwo.

每个成功男人的背后，都有一个女人。每个不成功男人的背后，都有两个。

Everymanshouldmarry.Afterall,happinessisnottheonlythinginlife.

再快乐的单身汉迟早也会结婚，幸福不是永久的嘛。

Childreninbackseatscauseaccidents.Accidentsinbackseatscausechildren.

后排座位上的小孩会生出意外，后排座位上的意外会生出小孩。

"Yourfuturedependsonyourdreams."Sogotosleep.

“现在的梦想决定着你的将来”，所以还是再睡一会吧。

Thereshouldbeabetterwaytostartadaythanwakingupeverymorning.

应该有更好的方式开始新一天，而不是千篇一律的在每个上午都醒来。

"Hardworkneverkilledanybody."Butwhytaketherisk?"

“努力工作不会导致死亡！”不过我不会用自己去证明。

"Workfascinatesme."Icanlookatitforhours!"

“工作好有意思耶！”尤其是看着别人工作。

Whentwo'scompany,three'stheresult!

两个人的状态是不稳定的，三个人才是

a bird in the hand is worth two the bush 一鸟在手，胜似二鸟在林 a blank slate 干净的黑板（新的一页，新的开始） a bone to pick 可挑剔的骨头（争端，不满） a cat nap 打个盹儿 a chip off the old block 大木头上砍下来的小木片（子肖其父） a chip on one's shoulder 肩头的木片（自卑感，因为自卑而爱找别人麻烦；喜欢向人挑衅） a ouch potato 躺椅上的马铃薯（懒鬼） a cake walk 走去吃糕（易事） a headache 头痛（麻烦事） a knock out 击倒（美得让人倾倒） a load off my mind 心头大石落地 a nut 傻子，疯子 a pain in the neck 脖子疼（苦事） a piece of cake 一块蛋糕（小菜一碟，易事一件） a pig 猪猡 a shot in the dark 盲目射击（瞎猜） a short fuse 引线短（脾气火爆） a sinking ship 正在下沉的船 a slam dunk 灌篮（轻而易举的事） a slap in the face 脸上挨了一耳光（公然受辱） a smoke screen 烟幕 a social butterfly 社交蝴蝶（善于交际，会应酬的人） a stick in the mud 烂泥中的树枝 a thick skin 厚脸皮 a thorn in someone's side 腰上的荆棘（芒刺在背） a turn coat 反穿皮袄的人（叛徒） an uphill battle 上坡作战（在逆境中求胜） a weight off my shoulders 放下肩头重担 ace 得满分（得到完美的结果） all ears 全是耳朵（洗耳恭听） all thumbs 满手都是大拇指（笨手笨脚） an ace up my sleeve 袖里的王牌 an open and shut case明显的事件 ants in one's pants 裤裆里有蚂蚁（坐立不安） back in the saddle重上马鞍（重整旗鼓） back on track重上轨道（改过自新） backfire逆火（弄巧成拙，适得其反） ball and chain 铁球铁链，甜蜜的枷（老婆） beat a dead horse 鞭打死马令其奔驰（徒劳） beaten by the ugly stick 被丑杖打过（生得难看） beggar can't be choosers 讨饭的谈不上挑三拣四 bet on it 下这一注稳赢（有把握，无疑）bet your life 把命赌上（绝对错了） better half 我的另一半 between a rack and a hard place 进退维谷（前有狼后有虎） big headed 大脑袋（傲慢，自大） bigger fish to fry 有更大的鱼要炸（有更重要的事要办） bite off more than one can chew 贪多嚼不烂 bite the bullet 咬子弹（强忍痛苦） birds of a feather flock together 羽毛相同的鸟总飞成一群（物以类聚） blow up in you face 在眼前爆炸（事情完全弄砸了） bologna 胡说，瞎说 break a let 折断一条腿（表演真实，演出成功） break the ice 破冰（打破僵局） bright聪明，灵光 brown nose 讨好，谄媚 bug somebody 使人讨厌 bull in a china shop 瓷器店里的蛮牛（笨拙的人，动辄弄坏东西的人） bump into 撞上（巧遇） burn brides 烧桥（过河拆桥） burst your bubble 扎破泡泡（打破人的幻想，煞风景） bury one's head in the sand把头埋在沙里（自欺欺人） butterfingers奶油手指（抓不稳东西的人） butterflies in my stomach肚里有只蝴蝶（心里紧张，七上八下） buy the farm买下农场（归道山，死了） call it a night一日事毕，可以睡觉了 can't teach an old dog new tricks老狗学不会新把戏 cash in my chips兑换筹码（睡觉，就寝） chicken鸡（胆小鬼） circle the wagons把篷车围成一圈（严阵以待） clean up one's act自我检点，自我改进 come down in bucket倾盆大雨 come down in sheets整片整片地下（倾盆大雨） cool your lips冷静下来 cost someone an arm and a leg要花上一条胳膊一条腿（代价昂贵） count on something /doing something 这事靠得住 count your chickens before they hatch 蛋还没孵化，先数小鸡 crock 破瓦片（无用之物，废话） cross the line 跨过线（做得太过分了） cross that bridge when we come to it 到了桥头就过桥（船到桥头自然直） cry over spilled milk 为泼了牛奶而哭（为过去的失败而懊丧cushion the blow 给垫着点儿（说话绵软一点，以免打太重） cut to the chase 抄捷径去追猎物（不绕圈子，开门见山，单刀直入） daily grind 例行苦事，每天得干的苦工 days are numbered 来日无多 dead center 正当中 deadend street 死路，死巷子 A bad beginning makes a bad ending. 不善始者不善终。

A bad thing never dies. 遗臭万年。 A bad workman always blames his tools. 不会撑船怪河弯。

A bird in the hand is worth than two in the bush. 一鸟在手胜过双鸟在林。 A boaster and a liar are cousins-german. 吹牛与说谎本是同宗。

A bully is always a coward. 色厉内荏。 A burden of one's choice is not felt. 爱挑的担子不嫌重。

A candle lights others and consumes itself. 蜡烛照亮别人，却毁灭了自己。 A cat has 9 lives. 猫有九条命。

A cat may look at a king. 猫也可以打量国王，意为人人平等。 A close mouth catches no flies. 病从口入。

A constant guest is never welcome. 常客令人厌。 Actions speak louder than words. 事实胜于雄辩。

Adversity leads to prosperity. 穷则思变。 Adversity makes a man wise, not rich. 逆境出人才。

A fair death honors the whole life. 死得其所，流芳百世。 A faithful friend is hard to find. 知音难觅。

A fall into a pit, a gain in your wit. 吃一堑，长一智。 A fox may grow gray, but never。

Stranger: Catch any fish?

Fisherman: Did I! I took forty out of this stream this morning.

Stranger: Know who I am? I'm the game warden.

Fisherman: Know who I am? I'm the biggest liar in the state.

陌生人：钓到鱼了吗？

钓鱼者：我是谁？一早晨我就在这条小溪钓到了40多条鱼呢。

陌生人：你知道我是谁吗？我是这里的渔猎执行官。

钓鱼者：那你知道我是谁吗？我是全国最大的说谎者。

Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!

Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!

Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.

我的狗不识字

布朗夫人：哦，

亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！

史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！

布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。”

Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with

the money I gave you yesterday?"

"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents

more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"

"She is the one who sells the candy."

好孩子

小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。

“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”

“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。

“你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老

太太那么感兴趣呢？”

“她是个卖糖果的。”

The Perfect Son.

A: I have the perfect son.

B: Does he smoke?

A: No, he doesn't.

B: Does he drink whiskey?

A: No, he doesn't.

B: Does he ever come home late?

A: No, he doesn't.

B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?

A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

完美儿子

A：我有一个很完美的儿子.

B：他抽烟吗？

A：不抽.

B：他喝威士忌酒吗？

A：不喝.

B：他会不会很晚回家？

A：不会.

B：我想你确实有一个完美儿子. 那他多大了？

A：下个星期三就满6个月了.

my little dog can't read

Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!

Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!

Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.

我的狗不识字

布朗夫人：哦，

亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！

史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！

布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。”

Two Birds

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?

Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.

Teacher: Please tell us.

Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

两只鸟

老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？

学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。

老师：请说说看。

学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。

呵呵，尽量能帮得到你~