上海心理咨询师静源

2017-05-03 冰清 译 冰清思语集翻    译：冰 清 Since Spring has finally sprung, it's time to do a little spring cleaning. And what better place to start than with the people in your life? 春天终于到来，是时候来个大扫除了。还有什么比清扫一下你的朋友圈作为更好的开始呢？ This has been something I try to do each year. While it's not always easy, it's necessary for me to become more successful at the many tasks I have to complete in my life. 这是我每年都尝试做的事情，尽管并不容易，但是很有必要，它可以使我必须要完成的人生使命变得更加顺利。 Whether it's a family member, friend, or colleague, there are certain people in your life that you need to avoid, or at least limit your time with. I'm not saying you have to become a loner. But you should reevaluate your relationships if you want to become successful. Remember, emotions，both good and bad， are contagious. 无论是家人、朋友还是同事, 你生活中的某些人, 你确实需要回避, 或者至少限制和他们相处的时间。我不是说你必须成为独来独往的人，但如果你想成功, 就应该重新评估你的人际关系。记住,无论是积极情绪还是消极情绪都会相互传染。 Keep in mind, this isn't meant to be heartless (though it may feel that way at times), but to build you up in the long term. What kinds of people should you avoid? Here are nine of the most toxic personalities. 同时记住，这并非让你要做一个冷血动物（尽管有时确实会有这种感觉），而是让你放眼长观，做一个更好的自己。 你应该和哪些人保持距离呢？和以下这九种自带病毒之人。 1. The control freak.控制狂 While there are times when you need to take the reigns of a project or situation, successful people realize they need the assistance of others to achieve their goals. But a control freak is set in his ways and unwilling to bend -- even if that means making you miss a deadline or stay several hours after work to meet his demands. He's bossy, manipulative, a perfectionist, obsessed with details, and he targets those who won't stand up for themselves. 当你需要接管一个项目或者处理某种情况的时候，明智的人善假于物，利用别人的帮助达成目标。但是控制狂却一意孤行，不愿委曲求人，这就意味着你在截止期限时依旧无法完成任务或者要多加几个小时的班来满足他的要求。他专横, 善于控制他人,力求完美, 痴迷于细节, 他专门对付不坚守自己立场的人。 2. The loser 失败者 Brian Tracy one said, "Successful people are always looking for opportunities to help others. Unsuccessful people are always asking, 'What's in it for me?'" As a rule, successful people don't associate themselves with losers. The reason? They can hold you back from reaching your full potential, damage your reputation, and bring out the worst in you. Instead, they surround themselves with people who are positive, hard-working, and push you to be your the same time, don't confuse failing and being a failure. Those who fail move forward after learning from their mistakes, while being a failure means that you're permanently in the same position. Brian Tracy曾说“成功者总是找机会帮助别人，失败者总是问，这和我有什么关系？”从规则上讲，成功人士不喜欢与失败者有任何社交联系，为什么？因为失败者会阻碍你发掘自己的潜力，损害你的名誉，给你带来最坏的负能量。相反，成功者喜欢那些积极上进，善于吃苦的人，因为这些人能促使你成为最好的自己。同时，不要混淆失误与失败的概念。如果一个人因为失误没有成功，可以从失误中吸取教训，继续前进，如果一个人自认失败者，就意味着永远在同一个位置裹足不前。3. The time sucker.时间杀手 Have you been stuck in a conversation with someone who keeps talking and talking? At first, this may not seem like a bad deal, but these people are known as time suckers. The problem with these people, even if they're positive and upbeat, is that they're taking up too much of your time. Instead of letting you get back to work, they keep you trapped in conversation. While I don't cut these people out of my life, I tend to try and spend much less time with them. 你有没有被困在一场谈话里，对方聊得无休无止令你无法抽身？表面看着并非坏事，但其实这些人就是时间杀手。 因为，即使他们的谈话是积极的，乐观的，也在占用你大量的时间，他们知道你要工作但就是拖住你不让你工作，你困在这场局面中心急如焚。虽然我并不排斥这类人，但是还是尽量少花时间和他们相处。4. The entitled.老资格 These people don't believe in hard work and sacrifice because they think their success should be given to them. This can be detrimental to your own motivation because: why should you hustle when they don't? Additionally, entitled individuals have a knack for talking you out of your dreams and ambitions. I personally can't stand these people and tend to run in the opposite direction whenever I spot one. 这类人从不信奉努力精神和牺牲精神，而是坚信有朝一日成功会主动垂青于他们。他们会削减你的斗志，令你不禁会想：为何我这么拼命努力他们却坐享其成，此外，老资格会旁敲侧击的劝你放弃你的梦想和雄心。就我而言，我无法忍受这些人，当他们朝我走来的时候我会有意绕开。 perpetual victim 永远的受害者 This is the person who blames others for their failures or shortcomings and believes they weren't afforded the same opportunities. Even worse? They never hold themselves accountable for their lack of success and always have around this type of negative energy will only drag you down. 这种人永远都在指责别人，认为是别人造成了他们的失败或者缺陷，并认定自己不会拥有和别人同样的机会。更糟糕的是，他们从不会在自己身上找原因，而是将不能成功归咎于各种借口。 围绕在这种充满负能量的人周围，你也会被他们拖垮。6. The downer.事事沮丧者 know who this individual is. It's a beautiful sunny day, they just got paid, and they still have something to complain about -- they're getting sunburn or they pay too much in taxes. These types of people are emotionally draining. And, like perpetual victims, their negative energy will only stress you out. 你知道这种人是什么情况。享受着风和日丽的天气，又刚刚领了薪水，但是他们依旧有事情抱怨——被阳光晒黑了，或者缴税太多了，生活中的点点滴滴都可以影响他们的情绪，就像永远的受害者一样，他们的负能量同样会带给你负面情绪。7. The chronic liar.习惯性撒谎者 "Lying is part and parcel of everyday life," says Robert Feldman, PhD., professor of psychological and brain sciences and deputy chancellor at the University of Massachusetts in Amherst. But,when the lying gets out of control, it can become a people surround themselves with people who are honest and provide truthful feedback. Even if it's something you don't want to hear, that honest feedback is more valuable than the lie, since it can help you correct a problem or negative habits that you've never noticed before. “撒谎是生活的一部分，” 马萨诸塞大学阿默斯特分校的心理和脑科学教授兼副院长Robert Feldman如是说，但是如果撒谎已经到自己无法控制的地步，就肯定有问题。 成功人士会让自己置身在诚实信用，能给他们提供真实反馈的人周围。即使有时忠言逆耳，但也比虚假的反馈更有价值，因为真实的反馈能帮你找出问题，改正错误或者改正你之前从未察觉的坏习惯。8. The party animal.派对狂 Sure, spending a Saturday night with a party animal can be fun -- occasionally. But party animals want to go out every night of the week, which means you wake up in the morning exhausted and hung over. How long do you think you can maintain that lifestyle?If you want to remain productive and save a ton of money, limit your exposure to party animals. It's cool to blow off some steam or celebrate once in awhile, but not every night. 当然，偶尔在周六的晚上和派对狂们在一起狂欢也是很大的乐趣，但是派对狂每天晚上都要搞聚会，这就意味着每天早晨起来都是筋皮力尽，半睡半醒。这样的生活方式你以为你可以持续多久？ 如果你想保持战斗力，节省开支，就限制自己少去参加派对，偶尔出去舒缓一下压力或者庆祝一下，但不是每天晚上。 critic批判主义者 There's nothing wrong with a little bit of criticism. But only if it's constructive. After all, when done correctly, this type of feedback can help you correct a weakness. Constant criticism, on the other hand, is not healthy or helpful. As Florence Isaacs, author of Toxic Friends/True Friends, explains, "Toxic friends stress you out, use you, are unreliable, are overly demanding, and don't give anything back." 适度批判无可厚非，只要这种批判具有建设性。毕竟，如果正戳中你的软肋，这种反馈可以帮助你指正缺点，认识自我。但是，从另一方面，无休止的批判不健康也无益处。《有毒朋友/真心朋友》一书的作者Florence Isaacs解释说，“有毒朋友给你施加压力，利用你，不靠谱，过分苛刻，只索取不付出”。警告 “有毒朋友”就在身边 纽约的琼森曾深受“有毒朋友”的困扰。他说：“他们表面上与你很亲近，实际上却是要和你一较高下。在酒吧里，他们会笑着对你说，‘见到你真开心，虽然你工作近来不大顺利，但看到你还能喝酒总是件好事。’对于这种假友谊还是趁早结束的好。” 杭州的太先生也深有感触：“我的朋友经常让我陪他在酒吧呆到很晚，我觉得反正自己也无事做，所以经常陪他，听他抱怨。可我的建议他从来听不进去，陪他却弄得我精疲力竭 。后来，我很少再跟他联系了。” “有毒朋友”这个词，现已得到美国心理学会认可，并且变得很流行，甚至成了奥普拉脱口秀节目（美国著名的电视节目）的主题，《有毒朋友，真心朋友》等相关书籍也登上了 美国畅销书排行榜。 越来越多美国人意识到，朋友可能是让他们感到不快乐的根源，专业的心理咨询治疗师的人数也在迅速增加。多年来，美国的咨询师一直在指导人们如何修补朋友、情人、亲人之间的裂痕。如今，向他们求助的人却想知道，该如何摆脱正在毁掉自己生活的“有毒朋友”？ 专家建议 定期清理朋友圈 获取友谊是人的天性，我们只要在交往就会有朋友，也难免会出现“有毒朋友”。 上海的心理咨询师顾恺颉说：“人们常说患难之中见真情，实质上应该说是患难之中见 真性。人们在苦难面前，相同的遭遇，相同的心境，不免会生同病相怜之心，自然而然会走 到一起，互相给予支持。而这就是我们称的友谊或友情。” 尽管获得友谊是人的本能，但我们也要抵制各种不良的友谊诱惑。顾恺颉建议，交友不 能盲目、泛滥，预防“有毒朋友”的最理性解决办法是：定期静下心来，好好盘点清理自己的朋友圈。